annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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On and on

Still here, still not doing great. It's hard to be a blogger who's feeling shite - it's miserable to write about it and miserable to read. Some of these days are bad enough to live through, without recreating them before I go to bed, as vividly as I can be arsed to do. But I don't like not writing, so here I am, getting at least a few words down.

I am pissed off about:
1. The news - things in the wider world - too much hatred out there, too much racist shite, too much misogyny. I watched the Caroline Flack documentary this evening, which was heart-breaking and one of the things that made me furious was that the police would not drop the charges against her for assaulting her boyfriend, even though HE asked them to, when so many women can't get the fuckers to even talk to men who've assaulted them. Too many women who are murdered by men they know have been to the police station again and again saying these men have been hurting them and no one cares till they're dead.
2. How hard it is to find a balance and be truthful. There have been other programmes about suicide recently and one thing they have in common, with Flack and with people I know who've taken their own lives, is that no one knew how bad they felt. Too many of them have this fabulous, funny facade. I do this too. I'm not going to take my own life - maybe because I have this blog to spout shit in and be heard - but people think I'm strong and tough and funny - two separate people have told me how much they admire how I'm handling these recent health scares - the mini-stroke and the skin cancers - but what the fuck am I meant to do? It's been one thing after another for fucking decades - if I want to have anyone to hang out with in real life I have to put some kind of bravura on it, but I am totally freaked out. How do I balance that?
3. I am totally freaked out by all this health shit. Tomorrow I have to be up early to go and have bone-density scans and I haven't had a shower since last week so even earlier than I thought.

Good things:
1. Meatballs and chips from the chip shop - just the chips, not the meatballs - I made them and they were fucking delicious. I let the onions for the sauce get real golden, like Raheel the curry guy says and he's right. Yum. And more for tomorrow
2. M came and had a cup of tea in the driveway, sat on the camping chairs, and we congratulated each other on having dodged a bullet by being retired teachers, not current ones. Fuck that.
3. Son has his first vaccine today - huge sigh of relief that we're all post-jab. Except Grandson but he had the virus, pretty asymptomatically, just lost his taste and smell for a few days but tested positive so has immunity of some kind.

Be good, y'all xx

12:02 a.m. - 18.03.21

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