annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fast

I feel as if I can't write because I have nothing to write about which usually means I'm hiding something from myself so the best thing to do is write quickly and see if anything happens. Nothing so far - I do often get a hint during that first sentence but all I have is lockdown and it being nearly a year and how it's gone so quickly - like I haven't got used to being 66 and I'm going to be 67 in a minute and that means 70 is just around the corner and 70 is old, man, proper old.
And I don't want to be here yet I'm scared of being on my own - or of being on my own and fucking it up - getting ill or fucking up the money - being old and poor and alone, that feels terrible. Yet I'm scared of moaning about it because both of my two friends that were scared of that and took steps to avoid it died well before they were anywhere near old and poor and that feels like I can jinx myself if I even think about it.
It's so miserable living with someone you don't get on with. I mean, we maintain an amiable vibe, but we don't share anything or do anything together - we even eat in different rooms. One of us cooks the evening meal for us both but we then go our separate ways. We never go out together. The single time we did last year was on Christmas Day - we went for a walk on the seafront but it was excruciating. I saw someone on the telly said that loneliness is not not having someone to do things with, but having no one to do nothing with. But I really don't want to spend more time with him. I wish I'd stayed in Brighton. I wish we hadn't done the house up - it's actually mostly OK now, quite cosy, so it will be harder to leave. Especially to leave to go and live in a bedsit, which would be all I could afford. I can't bear the thought of being an old woman and having to entertain visitors in the room I sleep in.

So there you go, that was ten minutes fast and furious. I'll get back in my box now, after the three good things, which is my commitment to my mental health and to not falling into an ocean of self-pity.

1. The sun shone and I went out with the dog.
2. I found a parking space despite the good weather and half term and lots of people
3. The woman from the natural health centre suggested how I might be able to get the yoga class on my tablet and it worked. Yoga was lush, as ever. On the floor in my front room - no driving, no parking, just unroll the mat, get onto zoom and away we go.

Thank you for reading. I hope you are not going into a decline as well - many of us are.
xxx

11:30 p.m. - 18.02.21

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next