annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Living next door to Patti

A friend in Spain posted me a thing she'd had for ages about long term effects of sleeping pills - including dizzy spells. This is now my new ambition, to come off them asap. I've been taking them this time for seven years, when the advice is not for more than a few weeks. I was prepared to risk anything while Sammie was ill as without them I lay in bed, night after night, imagining her decline and eventual death, keeping me awake, leaving me exhausted and useless all day and no good to anyone. But now I can manage, I think, and I walk a lot so should be tired enough anyway. I came off them twice before and the withdrawal was terrible so I feel anxious about that, in this time when there's no likelihood of much support. My doctor is part time and next in on Friday so I'll call her and see what she says. The dizzy spells have been awful, really scary - the thought that they have a simple, avoidable origin is quite exciting.

Writing group was great today - it always is - but it felt extra warm and close somehow. I like that although most of the others are from Sheffield, where the tutor is based, there's also a woman in the US who encountered her online like I did and checks in with us at some godawful early morning time. Yay for zoom.

I walked to the beach today, under glorious stormy skies that never quite rained on me but spat enough to throw a rainbow up onto the grey clouds. Clothing is hard for February walking. I'm always cold when I leave home but by the time I'm on my way back I'm boiling, sweating under my jacket, red-faced and gasping for a drink. Maybe I need to take a rucksack and wear layers that I can then carry without too much aggro. I could have a cushion in there as well - I can't sit down anymore as I keep getting piles from sitting on freezing cold stone. This could be managed. The rucksack I have is gorgeous - brightly patterned African cotton, nice and light but not waterproof or even showerproof. Hmm. Maybe I could make one out of my waterproof jacket that is now miles too big. This is what I love about writing - ideas come as the words fall out onto the page.

Three Good Things today:
1. Daughter has managed to get me invited to work on an art project that will pay me £100 for something - not quite clear on what, find out tomorrow, but feels great for her to have invited me.
2. Able to fit into my old black joggers again - oh the comfort of old, familiar garments.
3. In writing group we were invited to think of six impossible things (not before breakfast, like the Queen in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, but based on that). One of mine was that Patti Smith lived next door and we walked our dogs on the downs together, discussing philosophy. Later in the class we were asked to expand on one of these, so I chose that and bloody loved it - seeing her through the frosted glass of my front door, hearing her voice saying my name, our dogs being excited to see each other. I don't think she has a dog, but hey, she doesn't live in an ex-council house in Sussex either.

Please keep safe. We have to look after ourselves and each other. We are all we have, but that's enough xxxx

11:41 p.m. - 03.02.21


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No dentist, but rose hips - 09.02.21
Mostly moaning - 08.02.21
Stormy weather - 07.02.21
Day one of no sleeping pills - 06.02.21
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