annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



Sam has popped into my mind in unexpected ways these last few days. In a writing group someone read a piece about her grandmother at the very end of her life, sat by her bed, holding her hand and communicating with squeezes. For some reason this had me all sentimental about the last bits of communication with Sam, as if they were precious rather than when she could just think and talk. For a long time she could blink once for yes and twice for no. Or you could hold your hands up spread apart and say this one for yes. You had to be mentally agile to phrase everything in a yes/no format and you had to keep it short and sweet, before she wore out and just said yes to everything, including, "Are you tired and saying yes to everything?"

Then my friend whose husband has MS - we've never met, not yet, but are FB pals - wrote about how he suddenly lost his ability to speak or swallow and was taken into hospital for IV fluids. This made me livid, remembering how crap that first care home was when Sam was like this, how they made us have a "best interests" meeting to see if it was "worth" giving her a tube or whether we should "let nature take its course". Fuckers. In the end she did get a tube, PEG, it's called, but in the time while we were waiting, when she could still speak a bit, we'd trick her into drinking by holding a cup to her mouth. She was dehydrated so she'd take a big mouthful but be unable to swallow. But if we asked her a question, a simple question, like what day comes after Saturday, she would automatically swallow, as she wouldn't ever try to speak with her mouth full. It was brilliant and kept her alive for those weeks while they did nothing and I didn't know that I could have kicked up a fuss and got her IV fluids in the hospital.

Today, I drove round the corner then turned the radio on. Straight into 'Right here, right now' by Fatboy Slim, a song that came on the car radio the day we took Sam to get her feet in the sea, when she was in a wheelchair but could still stand briefly, with support. And talk. We were on the beach for hours, in the warm summer sun, with a big picnic, all together, me my girls and grandson, moving Sam forward every time the tide ebbed away from her feet, having a great day. But then the tide turned and started coming in quickly. We panicked, me and Daughter, and phoned Sis to come and help. Sis loves being the practical one and was there in a flash and sorted us out, helping us up over the steep shingle. In the car on the way home, 'Right here, right now' came on and she said, "This" THIS! Right here, right now, perfect. Just fucking perfect." Right Here

He's a local lad, Fatboy Slim. Not universally popular, but that's all hearsay. I've never met him. He inspired the woman who started the photo-a-day thing to call herself Fat Mum Slim, and he also did Praise You which always makes me think of my girl - We've come a long long way together, through the hard times and the good. I have to celebrate you baby, I have to praise you like I should. Amen Praise You

Three Good Things:
1. I went to the beach in Brighton and watched the starlings and it was nourishing and soothing.
2. Daughter had a Covid vaccine the other day, because she's a key worker because of all the support she gives other recovering addicts. She was really touched when she found out - she'd been put forward, she hadn't tried to claim one. #proudma
3. I slept twelve hours last night. Fuck.

Keep safe. Love y'all xxx

1:37 p.m. - 22.01.21


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