annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day 215

Aw man, the covid figures today are terrible, shooting up way beyond what they were in the spring, yet here we are, out and about as if it's almost normal. I don't know how to do this any more. I can't be focused on it all the time, or even for long at all, without becoming hysterical with panic, so I distract myself and keep busy but then I fucking forget, and do get too close to people when I'm out and about and remember later and panic about that. In many ways it was easier in lockdown as hardly anyone was out - we were only meant to be out of the house for an hour a day maximum for exercise or once a week for food shopping - actually, I'm not sure if that last one was the law or if we just thought it was - but the streets were empty and if you did see someone you steered well clear. The word is that it's too bad for mental health to keep on with lockdown, but for me the fear is the worst part. Or maybe I just think that because we're not in lockdown and I would go mental if we went back to it.

People are doing all sorts of things which seem risky to me. For example the woman who was running the classes I went to at the gym has started them up again (somewhere else as the gym went bankrupt, which it was on the verge of anyway - it will be bailed out or bought up by the council apparently). She says it's safe, there's lots of sanitising and she wears a visor, but my understanding is that the sanitising turned out not to be so important, that it's spread in the air and the key thing is not to be indoors sharing air for extended periods of time, especially not huffing and puffing, and a visor won't be enough in those circumstances, indoors, air being moved around, fat, unfit people. Not for me. It seems to be safer outside, especially if you're on the move.

Ah well. Today I've also had another go at oil paints on my version of Turner's Fighting Temeraire, which is not great. Oils are hard. Though also I only have a tiny set - black, white red, blue and yellow and it's a lemon yellow which I don't like for making orange. I'm going to Brighton tomorrow and might treat myself to a few more colours and a thin brush. The masts are miles to thick. I also watched the second lecture on Genius in that series I signed up to. I couldn't find the word genius when I wrote about the first one. That's quite scary. I can't remember anything about this one, not even what the main theory he was putting forward was. It ended with Delacroix and there were a couple of photos of him, from 1842, which were pretty wild - as the lecturer said, it makes him much more real and less of a story, no matter how fab the portraits of him are. I'm trying not to panic about my loss of brain power.

I made Bloke go out birdwatching today. I say made him - it sounds dramatic but I did - I just kept asking why not - there was word of some kind of vulture thing less than an hour away and he got all excited, then said he wasn't going to go and have a look. Why not? Why not choose something you love for once? Just fucking go, take your camera and scuttle about the hillside with like-minded weirdos and maybe see something you never believed you'd see. Man. I know he's depressed, has depression, but I can't get the fucker to go to the doctor or do anything else about it and I've had enough. He's been like this for years. If he was doing his best or at least doing something I feel as if I'd probably be supportive - maybe not, who knows, but he feels like a dead weight, total inertia, awful. He went in the end and came back generally perked up, glad he'd been but wanting to talk about it - yeah that's what I want now, a ten minute monologue about how you almost saw it here there and everywhere but didn't, just hung out with lots of other people - I say people, but they're blokes aren't they? - and had a good time. Jeez.

Anyway, I'm meant to be being grateful for three things so here goes. These are true!
1. The art teacher from the recovery group who does the Tuesday art group and a Thursday drop in where she'll give advice on any project. She is just lovely, the nicest person and I am really grateful to have her in my life, helping me with my art and supporting me in my life.
2. The yoga teacher at the Thursday yin class, who gave special instructions for me for several of the poses and was spot on. That sphinx pose I couldn't do in E's class just needed a cushion or two under my ankles so my feet fell off the edge and there was no pressure on the healing fracture at all, really comfortable. The studio can fuck off, I'm sticking with her.
3. My friend L in Chile, texting me out of the blue, as indeed I text her sometimes. I was cross earlier this week that I got distracted and missed taking a photo of a photo of Bowie in an unexpected place to send her. She is just great. I love having blog friends that become real life friends, even when they have to return to mostly blog friends due to Life, but we can still feel the love and the gratitude for being brought into each other's lives.

Be careful - I want to yell that at you all BE CAREFUL - YA HEAR??????
Night night xxx

10:39 p.m. - 15.10.20


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