annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Day 214

Wednesday writing group, more Bella. First prompt was 'autumn':

The season was turning from summer to autumn. Bella had never noticed that kind of thing much before - she might bung on an extra fleece or thicker socks, but living in a city, surrounded by hard, man-made materials, it mostly passed her by.
But this new flat was in a road with trees, lots of trees, growing at intervals one after another, all along the pavement. They'd been green when she moved in, then orange and now they were going brown and leaves were falling off and gathering in great slimy, slippery heaps. She wasn't impressed. She liked things to be what they were, not to be different all of a sudden. If all the leaves fell off all the trees her basement hideaway would be much more exposed and she wasn't at all sure about that.
As she approached her part of the street she saw a dog bounding about further up, wagging its tail, stirring all the leaves up like one of those snow scenes, all yellow and orange instead of white. Then the dog cocked its leg - no! - it was gross, just wrong. Bella didn't want any more of this - all these leaves, all this slime - was it all dog piss? Was she going to have to stay indoors till spring? Where did all the leaves go? She hadn't noticed them before, ever. Did they dissolve? Why wasn't the world knee deep in leaves?

Second prompt was either to write as a building - if a building could talk - or using a saying. I stuck with Bella and was aiming at 'the elephant in the room' but didn't quite get there.

And all of a sudden there was Naomi coming towards her, looking a bit bloody chirpy for a woman dressed in what looked like brand new expensive shoes, walking through leaves soaked in dog piss. Bella saw the moment Naomi spotted her but couldn't interpret the look that flashed across her face. Oh God, she thought. People. If only there were no people. No people, no trees, no dogs. Life would be so much easier. What was she meant to do now? She'd never had tea in someone's house before - she'd hardly been in anyone's house outside of family - let alone had to bump into them afterwards and speak to them. How was she meant to behave? Naomi was getting closer, slowly, they'd both slowed down, oh no, this was terrible. She was NOT going to invite Naomi to tea - she'd have to buy another mug for a start - oh no - here she was -
"Hiya!" Naomi was bright.
"Hi."
"It's getting quite chilly, isn't it?"
"Mmm"
Bella could see Naomi's disappointment at not getting more of a response. She racked her brains for something to say... nothing... her mind was blank. Naomi sighed audibly and started to move away.
"Coffee!" Bella blurted. Oh God, now Naomi looked happy. What the fuck had she done? She didn't want to be making people happy.

I'm up to 3,800 words of Bella bits. My plan is to keep going like I am, with no plan or much in the way of preconceived ideas, till I get to 20,000 words and then to have a look and see what's there. I know she lives in Brighton, she's not very well and she's not very nice - no one has ever been very nice to her. We will see. Oh god - I could do nanowrimo - National Novel Writing Month - November.
Bloody hell, I just left a note on the local forum, saying I might do it this year. I don't have to though, do I?

I want to get back to being properly grateful for the many blessings in my life. I've let myself be consumed with sorrow and that's not all there is. So:

1. I am very grateful for my little dog, who is such a darling. I took her out today to meet my pal D and mooch about by the lake. We sat on a bench for a rest and Shirley just sat next to us, good as gold. I thought nothing of it but D was really impressed - she's used to dogs being a nuisance. That wasn't how she expressed it, but they sounded like bloody nuisances to me and Shirley isn't, she's a dear little dog.
2. D. I am grateful to have D in my life. I met her at the Tuesday art group at the recovery centre and we hit it off straight away. We haven't met up that often as we are both a bit anxious about asking people to do things, but when we do it's cool. And I found out quite recently that she's 24! I mean, I knew she was young, but she's barely older than my grandson yet we are pals. I am grateful for this, for having the capacity to make friends of all ages.
3. I am grateful for the counselling I am having from the hospice, bereavement focused counselling. I took to her my feelings that I wrote about here yesterday, about there being nothing left except anniversaries. I don't know where it's going, it won't make things 'better' but it does make them a bit better, if you know what I mean.

10:56 p.m. - 14.10.20

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