annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 213 Busy again. Did two lots of painting, took the dog for a walk - nah that's about it, actually. Spent hours on my phone, stupidly hugging it to me like a friend who's moving abroad or something, wasting more hours of my goddam life flicking through SHITE that I can't remember anything about. Today its seven years since we did the sponsored walk in the rain to raise money for Sammie's van. That's all that's left of her now, memories, anniversaries, things getting further and further away. I clutch at them as if I'll find some comfort there but I don't, though it's unthinkable to let them go. Seven years though, seven fucking years. I interviewed her on video, as someone advised that this would encourage more people to donate, which it did. She was losing her memory by then and became confused over things she'd understood by the age of three - she was so quick and clever, cleverest of my kids and much more than me. In the video she can't remember where she wants to go if we get a van or who she'd like to see. She thinks one of the benefits is we won't have to spend all that time strapping her in, like when she went out with dial-a-ride, but of course we would and did - you can't have an untethered wheelchair in the back of a van. I jollied her along, gently reminding her or nudging her, and we appeared to be quite mellow. Sam was amazed when I told her how much money we'd raised, visibly so, though I'd told her already, several times. I'd got used to it all. My sister cried when she watched the video though, only the second time she's cried as an adult, which jolted me into the reality of what was happening, how Sam was ... I've never found the right word for what was happening to her but it was doing it so slowly we kept forgetting where she'd started from, how much she'd lost. Oy. 11:42 p.m. - 13.10.20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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