annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day 208

I got a new phone. I know, I'm meant to be detoxing from my phone, fuck it, I AM detoxing from my phone, but that's not about chucking it away, it's about using it, not being addicted to it. I don't know if I am addicted, if that's the right word. I know I turn to it too much, all the time.

Anyway, apart from that it's been a difficult day. Hospitalisations are starting to shoot up and deaths, and numbers in the south of England. There's talk of running out of beds in the north somewhere.

I tried to distract myself by making an apron for Daughter - she'd complained that the last one I made her was so badly finished that it fell to pieces, and she was right. So I bought a bit more nice African cotton, cut it out, using my apron as a pattern, pinned all the edges carefully over twice, then discovered the bobbin had run out. I couldn't remember how to fill it and couldn't find the handbook. Total fucking meltdown. The kind of meltdown that has nothing to do with the bobbin and the handbook.

Bloke came to the rescue and downloaded the instructions which I then couldn't follow, because I was so wound up - I don't WANT him to come to the rescue - so he did the bobbin, which made me more agitated - I couldn't manage any kind of gratitude which wasn't grudging, so then I had to hate myself, so it was all shit. But I did make the apron and undid the bit that went wrong and redid it and will give it to Daughter tomorrow and I hope she's pleased. She doesn't know I got the fabric so she'll at least be surprised.

Then yoga. Ha. When I started yin yoga, last year, I found a studio and a teacher, E, who I just loved. She loved me too, she tucked a blanket round me for the relaxation and generally picked up on my neediness and responded to it so generously, all unspoken and lovely. When lockdown started, she vanished. I found another yin class online, with G. G is much louder, her class doesn't have the same immediately meditative quality as E's but over time I've come to really like her. She's funny and kind - she fitted a whole class round my bad foot so that I could participate fully. Then E started doing online a few weeks back, at the same bloody time as G. Typical. I'd stuck with G, but today I thought to hell with it, I'm going to E.

The studio has stopped using Zoom and now streams through Mindbody. They send me a link, I get on, but there's no volume. I had all this with Sunday's class, and remembered, before I got too het up, that it works on my phone. So I get my phone. By the time I'm signed in she's finished the opening relaxation and is into the first pose. I can't quite hear as the volume on my phone is crap and I can't see as the screen is too small and my eyes are fucked up. I get my blue tooth speaker and yes, I can hear. E finishes what she's doing and goes into sphinx pose. I can only do that for about 30 seconds because of my ankle, which starts to hurt badly, so I come out and stick my legs up in the air, which is always a good thing to do. They finish sphinx and go into child's pose. That hurts my ankle too. Legs back up. Now it's a forward fold - she starts talking about it AND THE BATTERY DIES IN THE FUCKING PHONE. Honestly. All I want to do is fucking RELAX. It's all gone a bit SERENITY NOW! I find the charger, but it's a short cord and I can't see the screen properly from my mat so I have to find an extension and then log back in and I do that and manage to do a twist without any mishap, five minutes on each side and that's the hour up, we're into shavasana - the relaxation. Ah well. I get my blanket and my eye pillow and settle down and next door's dogs start barking and Shirley goes fucking mental right by my ear and by the time the fucking relaxing yoga class is finished I'm more wound up than I was at the beginning. Bastards. I booked into a class tomorrow to see if I can sort the volume out while I'm not in a rush. I ain't doing no vinyasa flow, that's for sure. Sigh. Big fucking sigh.

Three good things today: a walk with M round her village; a walk to the meadow later with Shirley; I made a half decent fish pie for dinner, full of veg - leeks and watercress in with the fish, potato, celeriac and carrots in the mash, cabbage on the side, berries (blackcurrants, redcurrants and raspberries) and yoghurt for pud. None of it what you'd call delicious, but healthy, which was a plus for today.

Night night, keep safe, thank you for reading xxx

11:38 p.m. - 08.10.20


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