annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day 172

Well, here we are again. Very tired, very fed up. Knowing there was something that I was thinking I'd write about here, something that kept popping up in my mind on and off all day, but which has fucked right off now.

Meh. As well as the anniversary of Sam dying and looking after her sister who didn't cope at all, and life still being in semi lockdown and fascists being on the rise and the coldest August day since forever, there have been other things that pissed me off.

The bank card, for fuck's sake. The new card arrived yesterday, I called the fraud department, lovely bloke, very helpful, took ages because they ask a million security questions and because I'm not really very with it. At one point, after getting confused for about the third time over some really simple fucking question I said, look, I'm sorry, this is the first anniversary of my daughter's death and I'm a bit untogether. (I wish I didn't keep blurting it out, but I do.) He said he was sorry and we cracked on and in the end he managed to reimburse me all the money I'd had stolen, including by which I can't even get on because it redirects me to every fucking time and I know I didn't sign up for it because audio books are no good to me - I drift off and lose the story. So we did all that and then he said, "If it gets too much today and you need someone to talk to, call me back, ok?" That was when I cried, buckets of tears, to have a stranger at a call centre be so fucking kind.

Then today, I log onto my account to transfer some money and there's more bloody fraudulent transactions in the pending file and I'm going to have to report them all again when they clear.

I spent ages tonight trying to find the Eastenders extras prog (Secrets from the Square), with Kat and Stacey, going round and round before giving up and watching something else, all cross, and it's only now I realise today is Wednesday not Thursday and it hasn't been on yet, which is why it's not available on catch up.

It was awful yesterday, awful. The three of us, me, Son and Daughter, miserable together, not able to communicate with each other or bring anything to it at all. We dragged all this stuff to the beach, up and down the steps, across the bridge over the lake, up more steps, over the fence onto the beach, down the shingle. Me taking forever, leaning on my stick. Blankets and chairs, the firepit, bags of wood, swimming stuff, the dog, water, and god knows what else. There was no one else there at all, literally no one but us. I think it's harder being so close to her birthday. We did celebrating her life then, ten days ago, we've nothing left now but sorrow, with the usual additions of regret, guilt, shame. All that fuckery. I think having a physical pain made me feel a bit detached from it - not entirely, but a bit. It was like self harm - the physical pain comes in between you and the mental pain, but not in a good way. Being in the sea eased the pain a lot, but then walking back up on the pebbles set it right back to where it was before.

So Sam died on September 1st, my dad died on September 2nd (1997, 2 days after Princess Di) and I have a feeling my birth mother died on September 3rd, 1955. I can't find her death certificate - I'm not sure if I have it even. I've been trying to find it online but I think you have to order a copy and pay money, which I'm not inclined to do. Kind of weird, but things can go like that. Like my sister having twins and both of them now having partners who share her birthday. Weird. And all accidental - they didn't ask first - is your birthday the same day as my mum's? OK, we're on.

I broke my diet. I ate shitloads of carbs and sugar yesterday - fishcakes made with potato, coated in breadcrumbs, with chips. Then chocolate filled churros with ice cream and caramel sauce. In the evening chocolate, loads of chocolate. I finished it today. This morning I'd out on two fucking kilos. Jesus. Though the weight does fluctuate, so it may not be quite that bad by tomorrow. But I haven't done anything to spend calories, what with the bloody ankle. Apart from moaning - how many calories do you use up moaning for an hour?

Three good things today: Daughter's GP getting back to her really quickly and then being brilliant, helping her to feel like a normal person in difficulties; doing a Georgia O'Keeffe workshop, making a right mess of it but still enjoying the doing; having my bereavement counselling this morning (like a lifetime ago) and really feeling like she's a safe pair of hands, that she's caught me.

So not all bad.

You take care, ya hear? xxx

and here's the link again - I update the photo every day


12:11 a.m. - 03.09.20


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

Day 177 - 07.09.20
Day 176 - 07.09.20
Day 175 - 06.09.20
Day 174 - 04.09.20
Day 173 - 04.09.20

other diaries:


Site Meter