annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Day 157

Today was hard. I feel I don't want to write when it's hard, it feels like moaning, like all I do is moan, but it's not moaning, is it? It's going to be Sam's birthday on Saturday, our first without her, and that's hard, that's fucking hard. I knew it was going to be, but thought that meant I'd feel sad, overwhelmed with sadness, but it's not going like that, it's feeling mean. I hate people - especially Bloke and the government and Trump, but also other people and I want them all to fuck off and leave me alone but also to not leave me on my own, but to look after me, take care of me, but to leave me alone.

So it's bollocks really. Sigh. I don't want this blog to always have gaps when I'm struggling, but I find it hard to write about. My natural way of writing is to be a bit smart-arsey, but that's not how I feel right now.

I signed up for a zoom writing workshop via Arvon with Will Self for this Thursday. He's quite an obnoxious bloke and I feel kind of guilty about it, because his ex-wife's best friend donated to my fundraiser and has been very supportive of me over the years after a comment I made on her twitter feed, but that's silly, isn't it? He's an obnoxious bloke but a great writer and will be setting tasks - too many participants to read out but my mate J is doing it too - she told me about it - so we can read out to each other after. Arvon are great - it will be worthwhile. He's the journalist who was caught doing this:

he admitted to snorting heroin in the toilet on John Major's jet while part of the Prime Minister's election campaign press party on a flight from London to the East Midlands

but I think he's clean now.

12:45 a.m. - 18.08.20

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