annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day 143

The lump in my throat thing vanished overnight so it was psychosomatic, but it's back now and just as uncomfortable. Sigh.

Today though, I did this yoga nidra, which I'm sharing because it's fab. I recommend it. You just have to lie down somewhere comfy where you won't be disturbed for half an hour and listen as she talks you through. You might need a blanket over you as your body temp goes down when you relax this much. It just washes all the tension away, leaving you totally chilled.


Daughter is staying here this week. Cool. We had a swim today at our regular beach this side of the city and there was literally no one else there, which was pretty good. I don't mind other people on the beach as I'm seriously nosy and can watch people all day, but there's something special about having a place completely to yourself:


We weren't there for long as I had the grief writing workshop which I didn't feel like doing at all, but which I enjoyed in the end. After a warm up we did three different exercises over the two hours. First was to write about a place that means a lot for whatever reason. I chose the sea front and the pier where I used to take Sam. I spent a lot of time explaining why I chose it though and didn't really get to describe it much in the ten minutes. Exercise 2 was to write a dialogue between ourselves and Grief, which I didn't have any ideas for, but stuff just came pouring out of me, dead good. Finally we had a quote from The Fault in Our Stars, about grief not changing us but revealing us, to respond to in any way we liked. I disagree with it - I think I have been changed by grief. Not necessarily since Sam died, but since we realised MS was going to do her in, rather than being something she could live her life with. Since she went into the care home, 2013. But it's all so long ago I can't really remember what I was like then. I think I was less serious, less weighed down. Maybe I'm wrong though, who knows?

There were about six of us, and the guy leading us always asked if anyone wanted to read or to talk about how doing the exercise made them feel and no one ever volunteered, so after the longest pause, and once when he'd said, Ok then what about-- I always spoke up, always me first, then others would. That pisses me off. I always go first, but I leave plenty of fucking time, what's the matter with people?

I was going to mow the lawn but it's been so long that I'd forgotten how to make the mower work and asked Bloke. He immediately took over and I let him. Then I was going to put the sprinkler on the garden and leave it for 30 minutes in each place before moving it, so it would really soak down to the roots and last a week, but he took over that as well. He really doesn't like me doing things. Fuck him. He's getting on my nerves something chronic.

I'm now going to eat a fig off the tree and go to bed.

Three good things today: that swim in the sea - I'm going to go again tomorrow afternoon; having Daughter here; feeling a flicker of interest in the garden for the first time in ages, even if it was stamped out pdq.

12:56 a.m. - 04.08.20


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