annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Day 142
For fuck's sake. Today's drama: I now have the sensation of there being a lump, or something stuck in my throat, though there isn't. I googled it - thank fuck for googling - and it's a thing. Globus Sensation to be precise, probably stress related. Oh really, I hear you say. Ms Notbob stressed? Surely not. I already have what is almost certainly psychosomatic sciatica, now a non-existent but painful lump in my throat. The NHS site says if you can eat then it's OK and I will admit I scoffed my dinner, no problems. I noticed it this afternoon, about four hours after I last ate, so def nothing real. It's such a pisser. I need to do a yoga nidra to totally relax but if I do I'll fall asleep - do I take my phone to bed so I can do it there? Breaking my (self-imposed) rule of no electronics in the bedroom. Or do it down here, fall asleep on the sofa, wake up when I get uncomfortable and go upstairs and probably stay awake forever. So why is it so hard to have a phone in the bedroom? It feels like a slippery slope - if I do it tonight, then why not tomorrow and soon I'm back to flicking through twitter and facebook for hours when I could be reading a book or sleeping. I feel a bit deranged, to be honest. I keep going back to the NHS site to check I didn't miss a significant point, but I didn't.
Stress
Stress in your life makes you tense and may increase the feeling of a ‘lump in your throat’. Try to relax by whatever means are realistic for you and your situation. Try to find a way, or someone, to help you deal with your stress and/or sadness.
And/or sadness. Yep.
I made myself take Shirley for a walk this afternoon, just round the corner to the meadow. There were masses of ripe blackberries in the blasted brambles so I picked a bagful
and just cooked them briefly to have with some ice cream. I didn't have much. I could drone on about my diet but even I find it quite dull.
Tomorrow I've got a place on the LGBQT grief writing workshop. I feel like I shouldn't be there as I've been with Bloke so long I forget that my last relationship before him was with a woman. Also my friend J, a lesbian actually, not that it matters, said that as I frequently describe myself as post-sexual, that counts as queer so I'm legit from that viewpoint, but it doesn't feel great, knowing you're legitimately queer, does it? I don't feel as if I want to do the workshop but I also feel that it might be exactly what I need right now.
12:25 a.m. - 03.08.20
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