annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Day 110

New system - writing during the day so I can go to bed earlier and see if I sleep more. I don't want to go back to the acupuncturist on Thursday for her to ask me if I had naps and tell her no, and I'm still going to bed at gone 1am and now can she make me better.

This morning I tried a new writing workshop - free, meant to be about journalling, but ended up being the same as the other ones I do but with more annoying aspects and less writing. It was on a platform called crowdcast where half the screen was the facilitator and the rest was the chat, but she kept reading out the chat and responding so we ended up with only fifteen minutes writing, no hearing anyone else and lots of inane chat. The theme was 'Escape' and first we were to imagine we were somewhere we'd like to be and send a postcard back to ourselves at home.

Hi Anna

I'm in the Kids' Field! It's weird being the only person here - the grass is long and the only signs this is a festival field are the castle, looking gloriously magical in its pinkness, even without flags and dragons, and the cabins - our sewing cabin and the first aid one next to it. All the other infrastructure has gone, the sinks, the taps, everything, and of course there are no marquees, no big top, nothing. There's bindweed growing all over the castle and the nettles all around the cabins. It looks like an abandoned village. I sit where the helter skelter would be and can just see the top of the Pyramid Stage poking above the trees.

If I close my eyes I can imagine the kids' field during the festival, I can hear the kids, laughing and chatting, the different music from all over, shrieks as they come down the slide. But really all I can hear is birds and the occasional moo of a cow in the distance. Even the gulls aren't here - they're scavengers, only come for the chips


For the second exercise the screen showed us this picture:

578F6FF6-A576-44F9-A0DE-CE9A8E24D9E4

and we were invited to imagine we were standing on the bridge and take it from there, for ten minutes. I'll just say that I'm scared of heights and that bridge in the opening credits of Big Little Lies used to make me feel sick.

Oh for fuck's sake! Bastards!. Where am I? They lifted me out of the vehicle, put me down oh so gently, then drove off.

"Is anybody there?"

"Helloooo?"

"Help!"

Nothing. There's the sound of water - I know it's water because I'm starting to get wet, misty wet. It sounds like loads of water, all coming from the same direction. above and below. I'm blindfolded and my hands are tied behind my back - not too tightly - I'll be free in a bit. It feels like a pair of tights..

Who were they? Why did they do this?

It's windy here too, it kind of feels like too much air, in all directions. I'm not sure I'm on the ground - it's definitely not the earth - it's flat and level - concrete or something.

Whew, that's my hands free, it was tights, now my eyes - fucking hell, oh my god, I'm in the middle of nowhere, on a narrow bridge with low sides over a fucking gorge with a waterfall splashing down making all that bloody racket, oh fuck, I don't like this at all. I'm lying down. It's a road bridge, but narrow, one car at a time. There's a path at the side but I'm lying in the middle. holding on.

Fuck.

And breathe. Big slow deep breaths, In 1,2,3,4, out 2,3,4,5,6 and again. And again.

OK, I'm opening my eyes and sitting up. It's green. Really rich, loads-of-rain-green, leafy trees and undergrowth, going on for miles. Behind me there's a sheer rock face with the waterfall hurtling down, little rainbows sparkling all over. It's half soothing, half panic inducing. I'm keeping my head tilted back a bit so I can't look down. Keep focused up or level. And breathe.

Either end of the bridge the roadway goes on for a bit then vanishes round a corner. I can hear some birds squawking but no engines, no traffic, not even a distant hum, not since their vehicle drove away - I could hear it for ages but... no, I can't find even a trace of its sound. Wind swishing through the branches and leaves, water tinkling and rushing, birds singing, that's it.

What do I do now? I have to walk, but which way? I don't know where I am. I don't know how long I was unconscious. I have never in my life been in a place like this. How am I meant to decide?

People on the telly do things like look at the trunks of trees to see which side moss is growing, but I don't know what that tells them, so there's no point in even trying. I might have to go ip dip, sky blue, who's it? Not you...


I was interrupted half way through typing that up and now it's gone eleven but I am still having an early night.

I'm feeling really scared about the virus again. The figures are so impossible to ascertain with any confidence, especially here and in the US where they don't have proper testing in place and  there are all sorts of rumours about fake death certification - some saying everyone who dies is marked as covid, others saying the lies are the other way, marked as heart etc when really it was the virus. I'm trying to keep steady, but I can't be sure I've behaved safely at all times and there's still the whole asymptomatic carrier thing to stir it up. Pubs are going to open on Saturday, with all kinds of 'safeguards' but how the fuck are they going to be policed with a load of drunks. Because they will be getting drunk, all the vile old gits who've been denied their sport and their pubs. Ach, it scares me shitless.

I tried to be nice to Bloke today. Honest. That's all I'm saying.

I also moved some pots about in the garden to try and make it look a bit better and took the dog for a walk on the prom - man it was so fucking windy they closed the pier as the waves were bursting up through the decking.

Today I am grateful for: long chat with my pal J, also on the writing workshop, also thought it was shit; my little dog; chat with Daughter; working the cravings for food - this is a craving, it will pass - and they do and I'm eating less and maybe I'll be able to walk up a hill again; my music teacher sending me loads of tunes to practise on over the summer.

Good night. Keep safe, all of us, eh?

11:46 p.m. - 29.06.20

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