annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day 59

Better. I made an effort this morning to not just wallow in being miserable. Did meditation straight away, before breakfast, and tried to get into it as a gift to myself rather than a duty. I'd seen another Headspace Live chat where Andy P talked about it like that and I knew that he was right. We can't change anything about the current situation other than how we respond and it's bad enough without being miserable about it. Though we can't help being miserable about it sometimes - it is fucking awful - even the luckiest of us have lost so much - but it's about finding a balance.

So, self care - a phrase that's been over-used almost as much as mindfulness, but is still important. It was a cornerstone of the mental health recovery programme I did - that we are all responsible for our own selves and our own well-being and that we should take this seriously. So, I washed my bedding and hung it on the line to dry in the sunshine and wind and I've already put it back on the bed. I'm sure some of you reading this do it every week or whatever, but I don't and it always feels like a treat, so that was good.

I did the singing group although I didn't really feel like it but I know it's good to stand tall and sing out loud. Favourite songs from this week were Moon River, Summertime and Kumbaya. I did feel much better for it as well. Invigorated.

Then to the beach to meet my friend SB. We'd arranged this last week but I almost cancelled it in the light of all the stupidity going on around easing the lockdown conditions. The press, well, some of the press (mainly but not solely that owned by Murdoch), had headlines as if it was a sure thing that restrictions would be lifted, when it isn't and they won't be. It was predicted that loads of people would be out enjoying the warm weekend weather, gathering in groups and generally not keeping 2m away from each other.  I didn't want to be any part of this, and it is against the guidelines to arrange to meet anyone, but fuck it. SB has been my pal since 1973, she was my birth partner when I had Daughter, who is named after her, she's currently doing lockdown with her aged mother, in her 90s, it's a fucking struggle for us both, we can do this and keep safe and in the end we did.

I have mixed feelings about it still, but we did it anyway and it was exactly what I needed - to spend time with someone who gets me, who loves me and shares herself as well as accepting all of me. Hours of sitting on the hard shingle beach, in the shade of a beach hut (my dodgy leg has to be out of the sun), just living life like human beings. I took Shirley and let her off the lead which was fine until she suddenly ran off and helped herself to someone's pizza, which they'd just put down for a minute. Honestly, she was so quick, gobbling up all the pepperoni slices and licking it all over, but the girls it belonged to didn't seem to care - they thought it was funny, especially my distress and embarrassment. Bloody dog.

Long facetime chat with my boy this evening. Bloody lovely.

Now I've been getting into a row with someone on my friend J's timeline - the J that lived here till she went to Vegas to be a showgirl in Jubilee 30 odd years ago (40?). This woman was defending her right not to wear a mask because "being forced to wear a mask against your will is an infringement on personal choice." Well, she can fuck right off, though I didn't express it quite like that. I posted this article, which is the one which has both convinced me to wear a amask and made me feel much less scared:

She didn't give in and din't read it either, posting a link to a study that showed that if people with the virus coughed five times onto a petri dish 20cm away, masks made little difference - which has no relevance for anyone outside of the health and social care services - can you imagine letting anyone cough on you five times, ever, let alone in these times? I won the fight though, as her final post was "with all due respect, I’m just not interested in arguing with strangers (or friends, for that matter) on Facebook. Enjoy your day." Ha. We all know that "with all due respect" means "fuck you".

Don't you hate it when people write f*ck you, you c*nt as if that makes them somehow morally superior to people like me who call a cunt a fucking cunt.


12:21 a.m. - 10.05.20


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Day 64 - 15.05.20
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