annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 58 Not great. Haven't been out, again. So tired. Thought I had a temperature this morning as I felt so rough, but it was only 36, which is a bit high for me - I usually come in at 35, but it's still below normal, if anything. I can't find any enthusiasm or energy for keeping going. It was a challenge at first, and I like a challenge so that was OK, but it's gone on and fucking on and I don't even know what to do to help me feel better. I've done a yoga nidra class this evening but I feel grumpy again already. I cried through most of the class and didn't even realise until she asked us to cup our hands and put them over our eyes and my cheeks were soaking wet. I did the art thing this morning, me and two of the others from the recovery centre, via Facetime as none of us can get on with the current Art Facilitator. J and B, both women, J probably in her late 30s - she gave us the cats, B in her late 40s, both from the US but UK residents for years. I like them both. We started at 11. J texted she'd be a bit late. B was putting her shoes on, with her phone on a shelf so I could just hear her voice. It's a bank holiday today for V E Day (Victory in Europe, 75 years since the beginning of the end of World War II, in case you live in a hole and have managed to avoid all the cuntishness about it), so her husband and son were at home and she was going to her studio - actually an old shipping container, tipped onto it's end and converted, but Ok for a studio. She didn't have enough charge on her phone but she'd call back when she got there. She went. J turned up. She has bad asthma so has been doing the full isolation thing from the beginning - the same time as me, 58 days, but she hasn't left the house. I'm tired. Slumped on the sofa in my studio - I'm gonna call it that, the little room - unable to drag myself up to the table to do any art. To be fair, she asks me how I am and responds kindly and with interest, or a good show of it, when I say I'm too tired to even think straight, but then I ask her how she is and she's away. Is she? Am I remembering it right, or is it just my grumpiness? I feel as if she talked about her health non-stop, then B arrived, J had to leave to teach a class and B talked about her relationships non-stop and by 1 o'clock I was done in and went to bed. I'm quite possibly being very unfair but I felt as if I just listened to them when I wanted them to listen to me though I didn't really have anything to say, I just wanted someone to listen to me. I don't know how to keep going with just Bloke and his fucking weird emotional stuff. He shops and cooks and I know he does it as an expression of how much he cares for me, but I am SO FUCKING LONELY I don't know how to manage myself any more. 11:51 p.m. - 08.05.20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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