annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Day 55

Art group was a nightmare, suddenly it expanded from about five or six of us to twenty-three, all, or too many, trying to talk and ask questions at the same time, so the zoom screen and sound kept zapping about from one person to another, like some godawful nightmare set in an asylum. I lasted less then fifteen minutes, didn't even get a smidgen of paint on my paper. Man. 

Panic attacks, from not being open about how I'm doing, from keeping it in, are on the increase. The one this morning was a bit full on, but I've had masses of smaller ones. I know how to manage them at the time - do a sensory inventory - what can I hear, see, smell, touch, taste. Breathe, in for a count of four, out for six - doesn't really matter what you do so long as you breathe deeply and relatively slowly. I'm doing it more and more often is all. Working so hard to not lose it completely.

And I know I'm in the lucky sector. I have a home with a garden. I'm not working at all, never mind working in a job that puts me at risk or that takes an emotional toll. I don't have to manage small children as well as myself. When I feel scared I can cry without worrying about who else I am affecting. But this is hard, fucking hard. 

I'm already back on day 14 of the meditation, which shows me how much I've lost any sense of time passing - I could have sworn I only took it up again the day before yesterday. The days are flying past but we don't feel any nearer the end. It does feel as if people are going out and about much more - I had to wait for traffic to get across the road this afternoon, and I can hear traffic even now, at midnight. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment, suddenly, to go to the dermatology clinic to have the first of two treatments for the pre-cancerous cells in my leg. I am scared about every aspect of it - being touched by someone, being that close to someone, whether or not the light is going to hurt when applied to the cream - I have the cream put on first then go back three hours later for the application of light. It's going to cause something - the place is healed now from being shaved off back in February, but the letter said I wouldn't be able to swim for weeks - can't remember how many, can't find the letter, can't remember what the thing on my leg is called or the treatment. Open wound though - I don't want that but looks like I'm getting one. 

We have the highest death rate in Europe as of today but it seems tomorrow's papers will all be leading with a story about a scientist who's resigned because he had some visits from his lover, against lockdown guideines he helped to formulate. 

12:36 a.m. - 06.05.20

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Day 60 - 11.05.20
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Day 56 - 06.05.20

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