annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Day 54
Last night I went to bed at midnight, read for half an hour, went to sleep and didn't wake up till 8.30! That's the first time I've slept through the night since God knows when, years, literally years. It's the old woman bladder, of course. I'm pretty good at getting back to sleep these days - I find the eye mask works wonders at this time of year - but it's still better to sleep through. Mind you, I was knackered when I did wake up, went downstairs all blurry and grumpy, burst into tears because the saucepan I wanted was underneath another one (I know, a case for the European Court of Human Rights, if ever there was one) (Fuck, we can't go there any more, can we?). I went back to bed and dozed on and off till midday when I roused myself more or less, to do a free live meditation, which put me back to sleep within moments. I suddenly woke wide awake into a silence which lasted a few seconds then the voice said, 'take a deep breath and slowly bring yourself back to... (whatever - can't remember)." So I was asleep for the exactly right amount of time - how did I wake up then? So abruptly and fully? Usually I emerge quite spaced out.
It was good though. Then to the beach for my low tide walk. I took the dog and a sandwich to eat on the beach - since I stopped smoking I find it quite hard to stay sat down for any amount of time and thought, correctly that this would help. But I realised when we were quite a distance from where I'd parked that I'd left my phone in the car. Good, I thought, a proper rest from it - I am hideously addicted, look at it endlessly - but of course I had no way of taking photos or telling the time and I needed to be back for my keyboard lesson, so I had to estimate and was miles too early. As we were heading back to the car I idly thought that I hadn't seen anyone wearing a mask - fuck - where was my mask? I'd forgotten it as I was setting out, gone back to get it, but didn't have it now - rubbish. It was on the road next to the driver's door, ffs, fell out of my lap unnoticed. When I got back, I drove past my own house, totally didn't recognise it. Jesus.
These are the key points of my day. Broken brain. I do feel calmer than I did yesterday, less stressed about the circumstances, the future, all that. But still, fucking hell.
I took some more pictures of the garden - it's changing fast and moving into its best time so I'm going to try and record it for once.
The tulips are almost over, but the foxgloves are starting to open - soon there'll be masses of them My favourite thing at the moment is this pink fuschia which I grew from a cutting taken from my brother's garden, flowering like a motherfucker. 
Today I am grateful for: being safe and healthy; nice messages from people; remaining calm in the face of being a bit crap; a walk on the beach; a sense that mask wearing is going to be encouraged at last, both here and in the US, though what the fuck? That guy getting shot?
12:50 a.m. - 05.05.20
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