annanotbob2's Diaryland
Diary
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Day 42
This morning seems like decades ago - was there even a morning? If there was I can't remember how I spent it. I do know that I had a phone session with my counsellor R this afternoon and that I texted him earlier to say that again we were going to talk after my yoga class, so I'd probably be pretty chilled but that I'm not chilled, not at all, or if I am it's just momentarily, after yoga and could we talk about that. So we did and I discover I hadn't noticed that I'd stopped doing the meditation. Once I broke my run of 32 consecutive days (the app tells you at the end of the session how long your run is) and got back to 1, I fucking stopped doing it and almost at once drifted down into depression and anxiety. Jesus. I'm not saying that meditation can cure all ills, but for me it keeps me in the present which is a better place to live than in a future none of us can imagine with any accuracy. We've just been told social distancing in some form will have to last until the end of the year as there's no realistic chance of a vaccine or treatment being available before then. Well. Can't get my head round that, not going to try, One day at a time. So I'm going to try a new regime.
- Meditation before I get dressed every day. I have been getting dressed every day and the meditation needs to be anchored to some daily activity so that will do. If I haven't mediated before I get dressed, I must do it then. A ten minute session is quite enough - just a pause, a reset - and that's the rule.
- I'm going to take a week off Jim yoga as it's very hard physically and I'm tired. I'll do Leo's two classes (one restorative and one yoga nidra), and Gary's Sunday yin class and maybe choose to do the youtube yin https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2gMDDZTv9k on the other days but without feeling I must
- The 5rhythms is also getting a pass for now. I can't be up and ready to dance in public by 10 on a Sunday morning without getting stressed about it. Neda also does a class on Thursday evenings but we do the quiz then https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLcSqjJWHJeDWD_SbdorBRw and now Daughter and Son and M are doing it too so I'm choosing that. I could probably find a 5Rhythms sequence on Spotify which I could do at my convenience, but truth is I probably won't.
- Fresh air every day. Vital. Nature. Tomorrow instead of doing Jim yoga I'm going to drive to the woods and walk among the bluebells.
- Make contact with people. When I get down I get all stupid about it and think if they wanted to speak to me they'd get in touch, but the truth is I need to converse with someone other than Bloke every single fucking day. I have about five close friends, two children and one grandson, all of whom could be called once a week and they wouldn't think it too much. Plus other not so close friends I can also call. Today after I decided that, one of my pals did call, just for a chat, so there you go.
- In bed by midnight to try and get seven hours sleep - I read for an hour, so to wake at eight.
- That's all. Other things are optional, great if I can do painting and posting cards to people and practising my keyboard, and blah blah blah but if I can't, I can't.
- I want to leave writing this blog off the list of things I commit to but I can't. I'm not adding it or leaving it off.
- But gratitudes are also essential - I was reading a great book about that and it vanished off my kindle - I shall have to find it. Today I am grateful for: my counsellor, getting me straightened out, pointing out that I have lived at peak emotional expenditure for several years as Sam gradually faded away, that I am still recently bereaved of her and that I am neither superhuman nor a total failure; I am grateful for my continuing good health; I am grateful for you, my friends and the goodwill you show me; and for the beach and the little dog - I love my dog as much as I love you
Good night xxx
12:02 a.m. - 23.04.20
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