annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day 39

I wouldn't bother to read this if I were you.

This has been the shittest day so far, though I can't really explain why, even to myself. I'm going to just do continuous writing for about ten minutes to see if it emerges from the flow what the fuck was really going on.

It started with the 5 Rhythms, which at least I can spell without flinching these days, but it's at 10 on a Sunday morning, which is why I've only made it to the actual class in the city once. I usually manage the online one, but I ended up reading late last night, didn't wake up till 9.30, faffed about, then Daughter rang so chatted to her, she's fine, then couldn't get online for the zoom thing, went back and forth, finally made it but had missed all the gentle build up and it was already fast dancing and I got really, really fucking upset, cried and cried and couldn't stop. I turned the video off so no one could see me then got angry and left the group and was even more upset then because I wished I hadn't but couldn't get back in without having to explain myself at some point and felt like I was being a drama queen rather than just an upset person in the middle of a global fucking pandemic, a dystopian nightmare, for fuck's sake, where it's all happening somewhere else, thank fuck, I mean, really thank fuck, I'm not calling it to me, that's for sure, but I feel guilty and ashamed that others are suffering so much and/or working so hard while I doze about in the garden or get in a flap because I can't get onto an online dance group. It's shite - I should be ashamed of myself and I am. But that gets us nowhere - self-flagellation is both pointless and unattractive.

I write a poor me post on Facebook and loads of people responded really kindly and I'm goung to copy it and print it for when I next feel meh - just did that in case I forget - and went back to bed and sat in the garden and fidgeted about then got Bloke to take Shirley out and felt better as soon as he'd gone and he did too when he came back - he wouldn't have gone if I hadn't suggested it, unless I do he just doesn't go for a walk - he never thinks to do anything himself - he must do, I shouldn't catastrophise like that, but hardly ever - he needs me to make suggestions or he just sits all day at his computer and he gets on my fucking nerves though I try to find some kindness in me towards him - we've known each other since 1969, for fuck's sake and been best mates from 1970 till about 2005. I don't like how he smells though. It used to be OK but it changed in about 2005 - his natural smell - I find it very unpleasant and that's visceral, isn't it? Nothing can be done. Ah well.

OK. Thank you for all the chicken ideas - I just pulled it off the bones and ate it, like a wild beast (sorry, vegetarian friends) but did make some stock just now, since I've been feeling a bit better. There was the Sunday yin yoga class with the proper teacher, Gary (I don't know why I don't use their names, they won't care and they won't see this anyway). It was a relief to see his face and hear his very down to earth voice taking us through the class and I did finally drift back into a decent frame of mind.


12:53 a.m. - 20.04.20


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