annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


March 15th

Fucking Ides of March. It's been a hard day. I did my best to do good things at an appropriate pace but still ended up weeping, overwhelmed with dread and fear and anxiety gripping me physically. shivering and shaking and generally being a right fucking drama queen. I couldn't even eat my dinner, that's how bad it was, and you know me, I'm a good eater.

I really do have nothing left. My pot is empty. I probably shouldn't have walked so far today - only 2.4 miles, but I went to a different place - turned east when I got to the coast road instead of west - parked and set off, not noticing the wind was behind me, blowing me along at a fair old pace.  Along the coastal path, in from the road a bit, between some big houses and the beach. Past the beach huts, and the lake. Past the yacht club. Then it started to rain so I turned round and fuck me, icy bloody rain in my face like needles and another mental wind that I had to lean into.

Before that I had done a meditation - I'm doing the series on grief - 30 days - I've done two. Maybe that's why I've been upset - it's not about curing or mending anything, says wonderful Andy P in the intro to day 2, but about opening up a space where you can feel your feelings and sit with them, just for a bit. And it always helps you live more in the present rather than dwelling in worry for the future or regret/yearning for the past. It got over-puffed, the old mindfulness, and people started taking the piss, as if it was snake oil, but in my experience it's fucking brilliant, building a solid foundation over time.

I also did a yoga session, from a Youtube on my phone, on my mat squeezed down between my bed, my desk and the big chest of drawers. Not ideal, but doable. Yin yoga. I'm going to try and do some most days, I think. Maybe just the poses I've learned in class, with the timer on my phone set for three minutes, if I can find a nice Buddha bowl sound to signal the end, rather than the mental alarm clock beep beep beep. It's a shame I don't have a stretch of available wall - legs up the wall pose is one of my favourites, but I don't. Hmm. Could I move the furniture in my room?

I know we're all going through this scare together. My friends in Spain are in lockdown now and I think France is, as well as Italy. We're all doing our best, aren't we? I hope you are managing OK.  I feel a bit better for having written this out. Anyone have any tips for getting through this as well as possible, mentally and spiritually as well as physically? We all know to wash our hands, but all that just makes me more anxious, and it's the anxiety that's unbearable.

I've chosen what I discover has been named social distancing - mostly staying at home, but still walking the dog, so getting out into the fresh air every day, Many of my things have been closed down, like singing and 5 rhythms.  Yoga is just too busy, too much of a squeeze apart from the time we're actually on the mat. They sent round an email asking us to wash our hands before and after class, but they've got to be kidding - there's one sink with the most tentative fucking air dryer - we'd all be huddled together in the corridor forever, waiting our turn - not a good option, so I'm not doing that. The art groups are apparently still on, but I'm not sure if I want to go - just being in places where unknowingly infectious people might have been touching everything makes me feel sick with anxiety.

So from what I've gleaned, if you're staying in a lot or, heaven forbid, if you have to stay in all the time, it's important to have some plans, some commitment to doing stuff, like specific stuff that we wouldn't have been able to do if we hadn't been confined to quarters. Not just watching telly.

I was intending to write loads but I'm suddenly all knackered and I'm going to bed. Please, if you've ever left a note, leave one to let me know how you're doing. We can all lean on each other - this isn't a bad time to be quarantined - we have the internet - we have Youtube, hey man, we have each other.

Night night xxx


12:47 a.m. - 16.03.20


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