annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Feb 17th

Monday morning is when you get an email about the new weekly task for the 64 million artists project. This was today's:

Can you think of an object that you might use to start a conversation about mental health? You could take a photo of the object, draw a picture, or write a description. Find a way to represent what that object means to you - express yourself through words, music, drawing - or whatever feels good to you.

I kind of lost the plot. The whole of the internet seems to be chatting superficial shite about mental health in response to Caroline Flack's suicide, much of it well-meaning, but too much of it empty, voyeuristic, horrible and I interpreted this task as being more of the same, as if it was addressed to people who were mentally healthy, inviting them to stop and consider those of us who struggle. I immediately sent off a hotly worded, indignant email in response and wrote similar words on their facebook page.

Sigh.

I got a very patient response, but I felt too worked up to read it properly and I still do. I want this project to be a thing that takes my focus off mental health. I don't want to fucking talk about it, not like this anyway. In my own time.  something hard and heavy filling up my chest.

I feel unbalanced right now, like there's a lump in my throat and tears behind my eyes and a heavy weight in my chest all the time, making everything hard. Thoughts gather and swoop about in my head, just out of reach, all separate, refusing to link up into viable sequences.

 

11:27 p.m. - 17.02.20

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