annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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10th Feb

Mega anxious, don't want to write but am going to because everything else is slipping away, the walking the yoga, ach not true, it's anxiety making the wild thoughts - not 'everything slipping away' Jesus, I missed yoga once and had a couple of days without walking three miles - this is why writing is good - it makes the thoughts concrete when you articulate them - instead of just floating around inside my mind as sensations. I believed that everything was going to shit because I gave myself a break for a couple of days, but when I write it down I can see it's not true.

Today M and I went to J's house about an hour down the road. M drove and came to pick me up. All I had to do was get dressed, which I managed until it came to footwear, at which point I unravelled. I could wear my Uggs, which are warm but not waterproof. Or my trainers which are quite waterproof but dirty. or my wellies which aren't very comfortable but are totally waterproof. Why did this decision become so hard? Not hard, but impossible.  It made me feel all panicky, in my chest, pounding heart, thoughts rushing about too fast, unable to catch them and make sense of them. All these options were wrong, but how could they be? I go out (almost) every day, whatever the weather, with my feet covered - one of them must be right.

But I couldn't think, so I went back upstairs and tried to calm down, then came and had another go. Several times. When M arrived I was still in my slippers, but quickly put my Uggs on and grabbed all the other options and took them with me.

This is a large part of it - this photo coming up on Facebook memories, from 2015. My little bub, my darling girl.

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So here are some photos I've copied. . One of the starlings and the swim all year lot, one of the storm:

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Fantastic, aren't they? They may disappear soon as they aren't mine.

11:31 p.m. - 10.02.20

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