annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Feb 5th

What a day. Trump acquitted, for fuck's sake. The end of law having any meaning really, isn't it? Money wins, just about everywhere. More of us are sickened by it than support it but somehow they still have the power, those rich fucks.

Down here in poor people's country, things plod along. I'm building up quite a lot of anxiety about my benefits re-application meeting next week, which is mad because this meeting is with people who are on my side, who will help me fill in the form. I go straight to guilt-mode, as if I am fiddling the system, as if I am fully functional and just pretending not to be for the vast amount of cash I can rake in by claiming benefits. To survive as a ... you know, I still don't have an acceptable word to describe how I am, but for me to survive and not fall completely to pieces, I have to move on, let things go, not dwell too much. To fill in this form I have to elaborate on all the ways in which I fail and it's awful. And they are things I do feel ashamed of, that I don't mention on here... like I gaily say that Bloke does all the cooking and food shopping as if I was just being lazy about it and had managed to get him to wait on me or however it seems. Not that I fall apart in the supermarket more often than not, unravelled by the lights and the people, the choices and suddenly find that I've been standing still for a stupid amount of time, gently nudged around by people and their trolleys and have to flee to my car in shame. That I do quite often start to cook a meal but have very little concentration, so I can do the first bit then run out of brain and everything just fizzes and pops around inside my head and I have to walk away. The situation is not helped by both me and Bloke having lived all our lives eating proper food. Cooking from scratch is the only way we eat - junk food is ok for a bit, but you can actually feel the decline in wellbeing after a very few days and it's horrid and expensive. So Bloke does the cooking, but I feel guilty about this in terms of the application form - that I could put a ready meal in the oven and this is how a lot of people eat all the time, so where do I get off saying I can't cook? 

I'm also getting anxious about the 'retreat' I'm going on in a couple of weeks. I'm going on my own, which wasn't the original plan. Sometimes I think it will be better being on my own, as I spend most of my time alone and didn't know how I'd manage being with J and A all day. But now I worry about the other guests...  

1:17 a.m. - 06.02.20

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