annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Jan 22nd
I finished the tea cosy for Son, even made a pompom. Now that I look at it in a photo I can see its flaws, but it's already in the envelope ready to post, and Son has known me for a long time so won't be having mad expectations of perfection.
Also today, I saw the woman from the BBC (she didn't buy me lunch, just a coffee, boo), who was really nice and is now sorting out a camera crew to film us chatting, hoping for next week. On the end of the pier. Coolio. Or windy and wet - time will tell, I'm all right in the rain, but they might not be. She does realise that the big issue will be getting me to shut up. Words just spew out of me, either in writing or speech, blah blah blah, on I go, day in, day out.
I had a big wobble this morning, about parking, about where to park while I met the BBC woman, so that I could get back to my car and get to the gym in time. I eventually realised that it was all a big distraction to stop me from engaging with the fact that the chat, the film, all of it, is about my daughter's funeral. My daughter's funeral. These are words that shouldn't have cause to be put together in that order, ever. But I had art therapy first, arrived sobbing and sniffling and she was great, really great, steered me into thinking about it all more clearly, about what I want to do, what I want to avoid. I feel shamed that I haven't created something in Sam's name - you know what I mean, that people do? There's been one this very week - a mother whose baby son died, who fought a big fight that she's just won, for bereaved parents to be entitled to two weeks paid leave, Jack's Law, after her baby. I know in my mind that not every bereaved parent goes to war like this, only a very tiny few, yet I feel that I should be doing something, that I'm letting her down by not. All that kind of shit.
Never mind. Today I am grateful for: spending some late afternoon time with my pal MC, who I love dearly; making Delia Smith's marmalade bread and butter pudding - fucking delicious - might have a bit more on my way to bed; getting this done before midnight for once; having a lovely chat with Daughter, my daughter, who is strong and brave and wonderful. And you lot, who read right to the end - I am so grateful for you. You have a good day and I'll see you tomorrow, OK? xxx
Oh, and I'm going to try to post those photos from the other day and see if they come up - I'll be grateful for that if they do - best birds and sunset photos, crows and starlings.
Holding my breath...
11:50 p.m. - 23.01.20
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