annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Jan 15th

I just had a week toke on a pipe to see if being a bit stoned takes me away from recounting what I've done in a 'first I did this, then I did that,' dreary kind of a fashion. I used to smoke grass all the time, every day for years. Not while I was a teacher - it used to frazzle my brain then. Teaching's like a bottomless pit of tasks that could/should/might/won't be done - for all my years teaching, whenever I was trying to relax there was always a whole list of things I ought to have been doing, which came leaping into my mind one after another, bang, bang, bang, if I ever got stoned. I saved my green for the middle two weeks of the six week summer break. But when I was through with working I didn't smoke during the day but every night, after dinner, I'd make myself a coffee and roll a joint. When I had to give up the fags - to make a choice between them or my legs - I gave up the weed as well, as I wanted to stop everything to do with it - no inhaling of anything. And it was no big deal to stop getting stoned.

Now I have a little stash and now and then I might have a toke - the first few times I did it I got far too wasted - this fucking skunk is all you can get now and it's too strong, though you do develop a tolerance pretty quickly, but it hadn't occurred to me how wrecked I'd get by just smoking the same as I always used to. Total freak out, anxiety attack, horrid. Leave it for another six months or so. But reading the old blogs reminded me that I used to like it, just having the edges softened, making more of a connection with music, that sort of malarkey, so I tried just having one small inhale and there you go, that's quite nice. Though it does make me drivel on a bit, but never mind. None of us have to read this shit if we don't want to.

OK. I took this photo this afternoon,9243B6F4-95AB-4BE9-BE96-BA0014C50DB3

when I had to fill an hour and a half between yoga and acupuncture and discovered I'd left my purse at home. I didn't want to walk at that point because I'd just done a yoga class and knew I'd have to walk Shirley when I got in, but what the fuck, so I wandered down to the pier, past this piece of public art which is one of the reasons I love living in (OK, near) Brighton.  Can you see it, on the concrete at the top? The council commissioned this statement, on the wall facing the sea, I have great desire. My desire is great. Just there on the wall, fucking massive, and what a wonderful, welcoming thing to say to a city and its visitors. It's a bit elusive, 'great' having a range of meanings, but also comforting, I find. I forget it's there and then when I see it by accident, like today, it fills my heart with gladness that everywhere isn't all 'don't do that, do it like this, be all the same' and how lucky I am to live in a place where the council pays an artist to make those words in metal and fixes them on a wall. The second D has gone, and the M is a bit twisted, but that's OK. This is what it says on the council website:

"The artwork is an anonymous statement that stands to remind its viewers of their own desires and of desire as a 'great' force.

This art piece also reflects the city to which it belongs. Brighton's identity is largely shaped by its popularity as a holiday destination and by the energy of its mixed community. Brighton is defined by a diverse set of desires.

'I have great desire. My desire is great' is set to gradually rust and bend due to its seafront location. This slow weathering brings an extra dimension to the artwork that will become more and more absorbed in its surroundings as it ages."  

So that's all good. I like that this part of the seafront is still tatty as well. We don't want it all fancy pants all the way along, do we?  I walked onto the pier and got this shot of a seagull. I do like how they tuck their feet up when they're flying - they are belligerent fuckers, standing quite tall when they come in to land on the table where you're having a coffee, with their big, webbed feet splayed out, staring you in the eye, making a grab for your sandwich. But they look almost vulnerable with their feet tucked up, don't they?



Back later, and at last the starlings:


There have been so many photos of them on the Brighton Skies facebook page, by people with proper cameras - I'd forgotten I only have a phone and that actually you need to take about a thousand pictures on a phone to get one good one and the battery always runs out, which it did today.


I want to catch the shapes they make as they swoop and swirl in formation across the sea. Totes amazeballs etc.

So I do feel a bit blessed today, even though I wandered about for fucking hours with no lunch and no coffee. Still had acupuncture and I'll pay next time, saw the starlings, the roadworks on the bridge are finished so the traffic lights are gone and I drove straight home. Quite good, I'd say.

Night night xxx

12:18 a.m. - 16.01.20


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