annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Jan 12th

The artists' thing (#64millionartists) has been doing my head in today. I did the first nine days' tasks without any problems, then we had day 10 - find or make a random splash of dots or points and join them up to find a picture within them. Didn't fancy that, so left it. Yesterday, day 11, was to go outside and find some objects to bring inside and use to make some art, which I could have done, but I forgot until it was dark. Then today it was "If you could have one thing you love every month in 2020, what would you choose?
Fill a bookshelf with 12 things. Your bookshelf might be a doodle, or you might want to put meaningful objects out on display. Each thing should show an experience you’d like to have this year. It could be a book you want to read, a film to watch, a photo of a day out, a souvenir from a country you want to visit…
Spend 10 minutes today filing your shelf with the things you’d love to collect on the way to 2021."

And that has done my head in. Twelve things? Want twelve things? I can't imagine it - too much, too many - it scares the hell out of me, and then I'm interested in that - how I have come to be so modest in my ambitions and dreams? I could pick a book I want to read, surely? (No, I couldn't.)  It's clearly about Sammie - about so long wishing for her not to be so ill, for the illness to not progress so fast, for her to speak, make eye contact - all those things, most of which didn't happen. I mean, I haven't turned into a nun - I do still want things but not in that kind of focused, deliberate way. I may go and do something towards it in a minute.

OK, good things today:

  1. Daughter and I went to 5 Rhythms, her first time ever, and we both loved it. It sounds weird and shite when you describe it. I mean, this is what wiki says about it: 5Rhythms[1] is a movement meditation practice devised by Gabrielle Roth in the late 1970s.[2] It draws from indigenous and world traditions using tenets of shamanisticecstatic, mystical and eastern philosophy. It also draws from Gestalt therapy, the human potential movement and transpersonal psychology. Fundamental to the practice is the idea that everything is energy, and moves in waves, patterns and rhythms.  Which sounds dead wanky. What I say is it's dancing, often in the morning, for at least an hour, sometimes two (today was two), with loud music, no drugs and no alcohol, dancing in a group but on your own, getting lost in it, letting your body do what it wants and coming out the other end knackered but renewed. I didn't recognise a single piece of music today, but I did recognise that I was tired in a mega-massive-overwhelming way, so I danced quite slowly mostly, with a lot of swaying about. Moving my body in ways it doesn't often get to move. I love dancing and don't do enough of it. Where's an old woman supposed to dance to proper loud music these days without being patronised to fuck and back?

  2. Then we had lunch out, again, as I have decided to fuck the being skint and trying to stay out of the overdraft - I can't do it and I do have an overdraft facility so I might as well use it. The time for living a modest little life is when all resources are gone. And really, it is quite modest. I had a delicious fishcake with a poached egg, hollandaise sauce, rocket salad and chips. Daughter had a big veggie all day breakfast. We were happy being together. It was worth the text message that came pinging through from the bank - yeah yeah, fuck off. I love my daughter with a big hungry love that wants to spend all day with her, but I contain that and let her be. So when she wants to spend time with me, hell yeah.

  3. Came home, went to bed, set the timer for half an hour, fell asleep at once, woke up, took Shirley for a walk over the lock gates. I have walked over there countless times but I still feel an immense thrill when I'm half way across, looking east towards the docks:  EC9CDD48-4338-43C7-872C-2FBEB05F0218 and west, through the lock to the harbour:  60EC8FE9-D94B-47E1-9C4B-693C7CB865E8 I can't even explain why, but I feel all is not lost if I still get so much pleasure from such a simple, available activity.

  4. I walked miles after all that dancing and felt quite energised by it all. 5.4 miles to be precise, which is cool.

Bed time now, maybe doing a bit of the twelve thing before... who knows.

Sleep tight xxx


11:16 p.m. - 12.01.20


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