annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Jan 11th

On this day my Younger Daughter has completed a whole year of being clean and sober. Not just a year, but this fucking year, the worst year we've ever lived through. I am so proud of her, you wouldn't believe it. I just love the commitment she's shown to herself and to her future. To a different way of being. Hashtag proud Ma, that kind of thing.

Good things today, as well as that:

  1. Singing again was fucking bliss. I knew it would be but had still managed to forget what it would feel like, that particular blissfulness. I'm not a confident singer at all - ten years ago I would have said that I can't sing in tune, but I can, it just takes me a while to relax enough to let my voice find the note. Our beloved and muchly fucking missed stepfordtart was a singing teacher and she told me that people who think they can't sing always sing too quietly and that it's really hard to hold a tune quietly. Sing loud, she said, it'll be better, and it is. The group I go to is about benefiting from the process of singing rather than putting on a show. No auditions. We don't practise for anything. We just go round the room, taking it in turns to pick a song from the book. The teacher finds the tune on her laptop, either the original or a piano accompaniment, we sing it, then on to the next one. We always start with a few minutes of stretches and breathing and ahhing. For the first half hour I struggled - I haven't been for probably a year - then suddenly I got there, chilled, and I could hear it being OK and then it was fab. I chose Dancing to the End of Love by Len. His lyrics are magic: Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin/ Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in/ Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove/ Dance me to the end of love[youtube]

  2. High on all that, I bought my girl a bunch of hyacinths and ended up taking her to lunch in a Madeiran cafe near where she lives. We only looked at the menu, so I just had a toasted cheese sandwich but as I went to pay I spotted a plate of pastel de natas (yummy Portuguese tarts) so we had some of those, then I saw a board with proper Portuguese dishes on like croquettas de bacalau - or salt cod fish cakes.  Next time. But it was lovely being with her when she felt so good about herself. She got a few texts while we were together from friends congratulating her and telling her how much they admired and loved her. Yay - go daughter. She's going to come to 5Rhythms tomorrow. (I'd like it noted that I can now spell rhythm and rhyme without having to think about it.) I am bursting with love for her

  3. When we went back to hers, Grandson was there, back from his Saturday job in an estate agent, full of excitement about all the job interviews he has next week, ready to get back on the driving lessons. He's coming out the other side, ready to live his life. My little babe. I'm taking him to lunch next Friday. Yay for GS.

  4. Over to M's, who I haven't seen all week. Mooch down into her village, chatty chat chat, laughing, all good. Bought Seville oranges to make marmalade, borrowed her food processor to slice them. Also bought pudding rice to make rice pud in the slow cooker, but forgot to get some jam to have with it. Next time. Lots of good food coming up. People kept staring at me, some smiling, some just staring. I kept forgetting I had my cat hat on -this is a terrible photo taken in a shit mirror in a toilet yesterday when I was full on miz, but it shows the hat55ACCBBF-C392-468C-B9EA-B96712A54682 I saw this hat, among others, in a craft fair, and thought aw, if I was younger I'd buy one of those fabulous, felt animal hats. I got halfway home before I thought, fuck off! If I want to wear an animal hat, I bloody will. I found the woman online and went to her next fair and got myself a hat. I don't often feel up to wearing it, but I do right now. People do stare - not in the city - it's an anything goes kind of a city, but back in the villages there's more of a sense of some things being more appropriate than others. But I'm free to do what I want, any old time etc.

  5. I haven't walked my miles today, only 2.1 instead of 2.7, but I'm cool with that.

  6. I'm going to be in a little film for the BBC about the extortionate cost of funerals and the lack of financial support for those who can't meet them. They picked up on our story when my plea for help was retweeted by that journalist and went mental. I said I couldn't participate at the time, but they came back to me and I think I can now as it's an issue that needs covering. Exciting. And scary.

Night night.


12:03 a.m. - 12.01.20


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