annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day 21

This has been a day of two halves - well at least two, if not many. Bad start, terrible start. Overwhelmed by the lack of tomatoes for breakfast, then overwhelmed and ashamed at the level of breakdown created by lack of tomatoes, for fuck's sake. Like if everything doesn't unfold the way I want it to, total meltdown. Then I realise it's not about that, I am grieving and as I remember that, for some reason something breaks and I sob wholeheartedly for probably a couple of hours. I later find out that Daughter has done the same thing at the same time. (See how I call her Daughter?) I put a needy post on Facebook, asking for Real Life contact then dither about trying to decide whether or not to delete it. Meh.

But moping around doesn't get all the old stuff upstairs into its new home, so I go back to my roots, by taking a little toke on a pipe of grass and putting some music on. If I have a smoke while standing up I can keep pottering for hours, getting stuff done, having a sit down quite often but always jumping up, thinking I'll just do this... For music I had the playlist for my brother's wake from Spotify. He was seriously into music, my bro - we went to masses of gigs together and always shared new finds. For his funeral his wife invited everyone to add to the playlist with a song that reminded them of him and it's perfect. I don't know every single song, just most of them and they do make me think of him, each in a slightly different way. I liked that - I feel I sometimes lose him - I know I mentioned him last night too - he's on my mind.

Anyway, I bimbled along, emptied the fucking cupboard, made an oxtail stew to cook slowly all afternoon, cleaned the fucking cupboard and all was well. Relatively. I mean, I have created chaos in very room in the house, but it's movement, change, action.

Then off to see my friend M (one of my friends M - I can think of three at once, without even trying). This one has spent the last 20 months extracting herself from an abusive relationship, safely, and with all her material assets. On Monday she moved into her new home, much nearer to me, an address her ex doesn't have and will never get and man, you should see her. It was fucking great - she is just chilled again and excited about her future and it made me SO FUCKING HAPPY, like proper happy. I couldn't stop hugging her. I just counted up and we've been pals since we met at uni in 1985 which is over 30 years. I love her with my whole heart. She has a dog and I'd taken Shirley so we went for a walk round her new village in the pissing rain, all wrapped up in waterproofs and not giving a fuck.

When I came home I started sorting through one of the boxes and these are some of the things I found. First two pics of me, to counteract that one from yesterday. I think I'm about 25 in this one - after I had Sam as my hair is short, but before I needed glasses. I've always thought I was unattractive, but honestly, I was OK back then. I stopped wearing make up when I was 16 and never took it up again,:


I don't know how old I am in this one, but I look as if I'm stoned and of course, it has to be the 80s with those glasses:


This is at one of Sam's birthday parties - there she is in the middle at the back - amazing how long her hair was, I'd forgotten - with Daughter bottom right. Aren't they two of the most wonderful looking children you've ever seen? Look at those smiles!


I don't know if you'll be able to read this - Daughter wrote it when she was 19 - her life in 100 words



I persuaded Bloke to resurrect the Christmas tree while I was out


So we ate the oxtail stew which was fucking delicious, and I sorted through a box or two while half watching some shite on the telly, then Bloke went to bed and I turned the TV over to BBC4 which had a run of Sounds of the Sixties programmes, and I danced round my living room like a motherfucker. Dusty Springfield, The Stones, Julie Driscoll. Man, I loved Julie Driscoll - I thought she was the coolest woman ever. All right then, I'll find the video...


Today I am grateful for: ending it better than I started; D for offering to help with the cupboard and for inspiring me to write daily; good, honest chat with Daughter - I love her so much; walking in the dark in the rain with my dog and one of my best pals; remembering to dance

Night night

11:56 p.m. - 21.12.19


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