annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



I'm watching Naked Attraction (half watching). It's the most gob-smackingly bizarre concept - I can't imagine the meeting at which this was sold. A person who is looking for 'a relationship' comes on, fully dressed. There's a presenter, and six pods, each with a person in, a potential partner, behind a screen, naked. The screens come up, a bit at a time - first to waist level so you get a full view of the genitals - then the body, then the face last. They send someone home at each stage until there's the one left that they go on a date with. Two lots per programme, usually one gay, one straight. Mental.

But fascinating to see how different we all are. So many varieties of cocks and balls, mostly quite unattractive to me, to be fair, though I am what I call post-sexual, so it's not surprising. Most of the women are mostly hairless in the fanny area (Hmm, I remember that in the US fanny means arse, but I can't remember what the casual word is for cunt.) I find this hairlessness really uncomfortable. I can't get past the fact that actually adults are hairy and children aren't, so I can't make any sense of this new thing. It's happened since I was last out there fucking for Britain, which was quite a while ago, back when I didn't shave anywhere - hairy legs, armpits, fanny, all good and quite acceptable then to be just as you are. So what is this all about? Men not wanting to deal with the realities of adult women? Really fancying children? Blurring the differences between women and children? Why do women go along with it? Well, many of us have lingering fears about whether or not we are attractive down there - there's that awful thing in the drag world where they call queens who could pass as women 'fishy' - relating to the famous fishy smell of our cunts - I nearly stopped watching right there and then the first time I heard that - fuckers. Although, to be fair (again - how fucking fair am i?) I find it interesting how different they all look when you can see them fully exposed like this. I'm also pissed off because virtually all of my body hair fell out when I had my first, massive breakdown. Legs, armpits, fanny - they all look as if I've done it on purpose, when I haven't, I used to be proud of my hair. Boo.

Today hasn't been great. I made it to Tuesday art where I painted a glaze onto the bits and pieces I made out of paper clay a few weeks ago. I felt very agitated and it wasn't what I wanted to be doing - I should have got one of those Cezanne still lifes and done a fast, messy, large copy, with very wet water colours and a black pen - familiar territory - soothing - peaceful. I only had an hour as I had to get to acupuncture and I did want to get these done as I have no idea how they will turn out once they've been fired again and they could be quite good - this could be my next thing, you never know.

It was quite noisy there at times - not in a bad way, just about ten people nearly all talking and/or laughing at once, but I had to look at the table and count my breaths in and out or I'd have burst out screaming. It's weird how this group can simultaneously be 'my people' and quite hard.

I also got quite cross at the gym class today. Only three of us turned up, me and two of the old blokes, one of whom had to leave early to do a job. We do a circuit, then stop for a drink and a chat, four times, so four circuits. On the last break, the remaining old guy said something about visiting his wife; the teacher said, 'Oh no, she's not in hospital is she?' and he took a deep breath and launched into a blow by blow account of their every waking moment since she felt a bit queer last Friday, which took over five minutes, when he could have said "Yes, it's her liver but they don't know what yet, she feels very ill," and we could have gone back to doing standing up press-ups against the wall. I could have just wandered off and started on my own, but I also couldn't and didn't but wanted to and got cross, with him, with the teacher and with myself. And it turns out neither of the old guys are as old as me, so they can both fuck off.

OK, today I am grateful for: a visit from Daughter; cuddles with my dear little dog; pals at art group; a real fire; getting through another day

Night night. Thanks for reading

12:13 a.m. - 11.12.19


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