annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Day 6
This has been a hard week for committing to daily writing as I've gradually gone down, down, down and I don't usually write then but I'm going to. I've not got dressed today. I've walked 308 steps, which is fuck all, I've not done my photo a day. All I've done is post this on Facebook:
"So this has been National Grief Awareness Week and here are some thoughts.
I know I'm not alone in being devastated by the death of someone I feel I can't live without, who leaves a hole in my life that can never be filled. We've all lost people we love - death is indeed a part of life but it seems to be invisible in our world.
I wish we still had formal ways of expressing our status as grievers. I would like to wear black forever or at least for a fixed number of years and to know that other people I saw out and about wearing black had also lost someone very close. I feel I would stand next to them, we'd catch each other's eyes, maybe blink in acknowledgement, and lower our heads, but not need to say anything.
Other people would understand that the floods of tears weren't really about losing a pencil, but that somehow any loss, no matter how trivial, can unleash all the sadness and hopelessness we try to keep reined in.
That information slides in and out of my head without taking root - really annoying to us all. You tell me stuff and I forget it at once - not always but far too often. I can become overwhelmed with hatred of anyone, everyone (not you, obviously, but every other fucker, especially those with living, healthy children and with brothers they take for granted). Thinking is impossible - my brain shuts right down when challenged to make a choice - where shall we eat? Christ, I don't know.
On other days there's numbness. I can't remember that I ever felt anything and I'm scared that my poor girl has gone and is already forgotten by her stupid mother.
Mostly it's about distraction, Get up, keep busy. Do stuff all day, sleep, wake up, do it again. Walk, take photos, read, play scrabble, scroll endlessly through my phone.
This has been a bad week. I hope yours has been better."
I did do some painting:
So I guess I should be less harsh on myself, cos here I am blogging so that's quite a lot.
Night night
11:52 p.m. - 06.12.19
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