annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nearer I don't like it. There's so much to remember - it's like planning for a party with all the bits and pieces but at the end of all the preparations we'll be - well I can't use the actual verb - unbearable - but it will be awful and I don't want it at all. I struggled so hard with my speech - I don't know what to call it - but the words I will speak to honour my daughter - it kept being stupid fucking shit - the concept of an audience, listeners, lurking in the edges of my mind as I wrote, making it all stiff and awkward and just fucking crap and I was starting to despair and then I had a brainwave - do continuous writing several times and see what happens. So that's what I've done today, four separate times in different places, set the timer for twenty minutes and just wrote, focused on Sam, without stopping at all until the timer went - which turns out to be reliably after three pages of A4 - and I haven't read it back yet but I know they were all different. The first one was addressed to her and it had to come first - I know it's not suitable for an audience because it's too painful - all the things she couldn't hear - or that I couldn't say but wanted her to know, terrible things like not knowing whether she enjoyed anything, or what she wanted to do or not do, for probably the last year. Anyway, there was a load of that then I made myself write about her for the next ones, starting with "Sam was... " and memories did come in. I'm going to leave it and do another one first thing in the morning and maybe another a bit later then I will read them and see what I can make of it. We only have thirty minutes - it's a forty minute slot, but five are lost either end with getting people in and out, and we have two songs - Any Dream Will Do and All Through the Night - and a poem, Sea Fever and loads of us talking. I suppose we'll have to have a practice to make sure we bring it in on time. You can't over run because there will be another party waiting. Good night, dear friends. Hug your people and tell them you love them, now, while you can. xxxx
1:29 a.m. - 14.09.19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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