annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Too much

I've done far too much today. I'm going to list it:

• I registered Sam's death and got the certificates


• Went to the care home to get an outfit for her, now that her body has been released and we can crack on at last. Also with a view to emptying her room, but couldn't manage it - too hard. YD came to help but we were both overwhelmed so fled and went for a carvery lunch then I had to rush off  to another town for


• counselling after which I


• went to a solicitor's hoping to book a free half hour a week or two ahead to see what needs to be done about Sam not having made a will and being co-owner of a mobile home which is rightfully Grandson's inheritance - but they don't do the free half hours any more


• to the bank to cancel her direct debits and try to pay in a cheque


• sat on a wall and cried then called my sister-in-law and cried to her


• drove to the other town where there's a branch of my bank, paid in the cheque, from Aunty L, a big contribution to funeral costs


• to Tesco's to have big photos printed for the 'shrine'/'altar' I am making. You can do it yourself from your phone at one of their terminals, but I couldn't, too hard, too awful, too late in the day, so I cried and cried and the nice assistant came and I told her and she did it all for me and gave me 10% off and we all had a hug (there was another assistant too)  I haven't got it right yet, too much going on, but I like the big photo in the middle with her looking at the camera, meeting your eye, or my eye, I don't care about yours


• To M&S in search of a dress to wear at the funeral which will be next Tuesday, when the forecast is for hot, but all the dresses are long-sleeved, thick fabrics. This is the only place that makes then big enough for my current size. Didn't get anything


• Drove home in the rush hour - yes, I left home this morning at 9.30 and now it was the evening rush hour, so I crawled along the by-pass in the traffic, not listening to the radio because what the fuck is happening in this country? No, don't tell me, it's too crap, I don't want to know


• Arrived home to find the fucking heron that appeared yesterday was back and seems to have eaten all the fish, photo yesterday by Bloke

• Sat by empty pond writing list of questions for the funeral director who was due in 25 minutes


• Had meeting with him, an old friend so better than it could have been. Also present Daughter, Grandson and Bloke. Paring everything right down and being charged mates' rates it still comes in at a grand more than we have. We have booked a car/limo to drive us there behind the hearse because there are too many of us to go in one car and neither daughter nor I can drive to Sam's funeral. But we may have to, or organise lifts, though that won't save enough. We're doing everything else ourselves and people have been incredibly generous but we're £1000 short. Even without any flowers. I'm trying to summon up the nerve to crowd-fund - I can't get a loan because I have no income and all the people I know rich enough to borrow from have already given me a few hundred quid each. I may get a rebate from the DWP of perhaps £3,500 on Friday, or it may come to nothing and it will be too late to order flowers by then or maybe it won't.  What do poor people do for funerals? If I had still been claiming ESA I would have got a grant but I don't claim it any more as since I get my teacher's pension it would all have been deducted apart from a tenner and it's not worth the aggro of proving you're too fucked up to work for an extra tenner a fortnight. If you have absolutely nothing they will do a cremation for free but with no service, just give you an urn of ashes. So we're not having that. I knew this was coming, I should have got insurance but I just couldn't make myself do funeral shit for my daughter while she was still alive. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry it will all be all right, but how?


• Also, during the day I had texts from L, who had been Sam's mother-in-law, saying she wasn't coming to the funeral and yes, she had told her son Sam had died, but the bastard still hasn't made any contact with either me or Grandson and this is the last fucking straw. I mean, he can fuck off, but he was Grandson's stepfather from the age of 3 till 16 and he can't even send a text or a card and I am so angry I don't know what to do with myself except take a sleeping pill and start again tomorrow.

6:30 a.m. - 11.09.19

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