annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



So. Here we are a week later, planning the fucking funeral. Isn't there a law against mothers planning their child's funeral? We still don't have the death certificate so haven't registered the death as it has to be signed off by the last doctor to see her alive and he went on holiday - there were complications and hold-ups like that all through her last week - not really anyone's fault - misunderstandings, unfortunate coincidences, all kinds of shit.

I finally managed to utter the words, "I don't have any money for a funeral" out loud - this has been preying on my mind for a while but I couldn't, and I mean I could not, speak about my darling's funeral when she was still alive - how could I possibly?  People keep telling me not to worry, that it will all be all right, and some money has come drifting in - my friend J in Vegas who knew ED as a small child told me that as she couldn't give me a hug in person she was putting some cash in my paypal towards expenses, and could I check that it was there as she hadn't used it before and when I did I found other people had paid money in without saying anything, which made me weep for ages - the love and kindness shown to me and my girl has been amazing and heart-breaking.

So we're going to do the service ourselves. I want it to be a celebration - if you asked anyone to describe ED before the MS, the first thing they would say is talkative, noisy, chatty and she's been silent - not just quiet but silent for at least four years, so I'm hoping to make some noise for her and about her. I want us to start with singing - my friend J is going to - I don't know what the word is - not host or compere - but that kind of thing - and she was a professional musician - she's made about 12 albums and has performed live for years - I hope I can ask her to get everyone on their feet and do some warm ups then to SING - I don't know if this is something we can do. I don't mean something we'll be allowed to do, but whether I'm capable of it and how people will respond and we can't think of a song. Yet. I only mentioned it to the others tonight. We want something singable, not exactly cheery, but yes, a bit cheery, that people know, that isn't too corny. I'd have gone for Robbie Williams Angels, but I was out-voted as it's too corny.  We're also going to sing All Through the Night, which is YD's choice. And tell stories about her and I'm going to read Sea Fever which I used to read to her on the pier in the howling wind and her eyes used to get that look, when you're listening and far away

I should stop and go to sleep. Thank fuck for sleeping pills. I can be OK as long as I keep myself busy - if I wasn't comfort eating fit to burst I may even lose weight but I am so I won't.

I'm going to write about her for the funeral. Little Sam - that was her name, my daughter, Sam. Often Little Sam as there were other bigger Sam's nearby, and she was tiny. Five foot and half an inch. So I need to go to sleep.

I know in other countries funerals are much quicker, much closer to the death - in Venezuela when I was out there in the 80s they were either the next day or (maybe?) even the same day - due to hot climate and erratic electricity supplies - and I don't know how they manage it. This is a long wait, due to stuff I mentioned above, but I like this interlude - for this time I am focused on Sam. I'm going through all my old photo files, picking out all the ones of her, posting some of them on facebook. I'm preparing her funeral and I'm making a shrine/altar for her. I wanted to do this for my brother but it felt pretentious and wanky so when the feeling came back again for Sam I googled it and discovered that this is a custom that crosses cultures and centuries - it's what people have done everywhere forever, so I'm going to.

Now I'm going to sleep. Thank you so much for the comments and notes - I have really appreciated them but can't manage to reply to them just yet. I'm feeling the love all around.

Good night xxx

1:16 a.m. - 08.09.19


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