annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Up a bit I really crashed then, hit the bottom, wanted it all to end, knew it couldn't, all that. But whatever I feel like, I cannot stay in the house all day with Him, as he makes it all so much worse - I was fucking broken, end of the road, yesterday and he was humming to himself as he stepped around me, bimbling about with his bird feeders, blethering on about the courgettes, as if I hadn't spoken, wasn't sobbing. Etc. I mean, this is how he is - he expresses care by feeding, which he does well, but I need more, or in fact, less. If you're not even acknowledging my emotional state, don't keep cooking meals for me. I don't want to be near him when I... well, when I'm awake or asleep is the truth, so I got in my car and got in a new state about what next - was I going to go to Pride? - it's massive, the whole city is consumed by it, but it's loud and crowded and blah blah but all my people were up and out so I either went to A&E or to Pride and Pride won. I stood in the street, pushing through to the front, waiting to see my younger daughter who has been bi but is now finding the male sex less and less appealing so is identifying as gay and was marching with the Recoverers - the 12 steppers, AA, NA, CA, but I missed her and went to make my date with Son. That was what I needed - he can see me, he knows when I need a massive slow hug and a long lunch so that was what we did. It was a deep dark pit that I fell into for a while, but here I am again. I haven't visited ED since whenever as that urge to shake her was overwhelming and unbearable and fucking unthinkable - how could I fetch up in her room, brimming over with that? Poor bloody fucker, it's bad enough without that. So I'm going to see how tomorrow goes - early appointment with my key worker, then qi gong and we'll see. Hopefully I will be there for my darling, able to be kind and loving, and if not I'll have to stay away. Visited my pal J today - man I love her - we talked ourselves into exhaustion, then a bit more. And yoga, yin yoga, all good.
11:56 p.m. - 04.08.19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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