annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Weekending

Bad, and getting worse. If I don't keep my mind busy all I can think is wanting to shake ED, to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense back into her, to shout at her to stop pissing about and just come back, come back, come back. I could smack her, I'm just so angry so tired so broken at the endless hours sat with her, or not sat with her, feeling I should be, unbearable to think of her alone, unbearable to do anything, but somehow still able to be distracted, especially by a stupid word game I have on my phone. Then the stats came up - I've been using the phone for an average of seven hours a day this week - fucking hell, seven hours. I am just broken and don't know how to mend myself.

I have been trying to rest, doing just one thing a day, like an art class or qi gong or yoga or indeed taking Younger Daughter to her Universal Credit medical assessment which was exactly as much fun as it sounds - ie none whatsoever. But I am saddened to have to do this and uncertain as to whether I'm getting any better - well I'm not yet but it's only been a week of toning it down - and the summer is flying past - I got ill at the beginning of April and before we know it autumn will be upon us and back into coats and hats and I'm scared to swim in the sea unless it's exactly right or I'm with someone and that's not happening

,

But I did a poetry workshop today with the new writer in residence at the recovery centre who was fab and I managed it more or less OK, though I was a bit too chatty, and while I was there I saw my key worker and asked for a meeting soon. She offered me one first thing Monday morning, so that's good.

i'm really trying the self care, the basics - food, rest, fresh air.

Now it's late so bed, to rest. Pride tomorrow - the park has been fenced off all week as they build all the stuff. I'm not sure whether to go or not - I think I will if it's cloudy - I've done standing in the full burning sun watching the parade for several consecutive years, but I know I'll feel sad and lonely if I don't go, even if I have to go on my own.

Night night

1:02 a.m. - 03.08.19

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