annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Sunday Sunday

I'm not doing great. In fact so not great that I went to the doctor - an emergency appointment because I got to the end of what I could do. In further, actual fact, no, there was a physical thing which I looked up on the NHS website (the only trustworthy medical site) and it said contact your GP,  who gave me an appt that day, but when I got there I mainly cried and said I'm done, can't do it, but there you go, I'm still here. It's being so fucking tired - feeling OK, absolutely fine until I try to do anything, anything at all, at which point I can't, and if I make myself I just sleep for hours, if not days - days after Glasto, fucking days. Ach, I'm exaggerating - I can plod about, but I can't stomp about, doing my three miles a day, or do my proper yoga or the 5 Rhythms and these things made it all manageable. So without them I unravel and here I am, unraveled. Also the acupuncturist has been away so I haven't seen her for three weeks, and that does help, I always realise when she's gone.

So the doc sent me for comprehensive blood tests and another X-Ray, to see whether the pleurisy is diminishing or not and to check all the other shit out. I forgot to tell her about my sore throat and the dry, hot, barking cough which consumes me for about ten minutes just three or four times a day - I mean, what the fuck is that about?

I haven't visited my Elder daughter much because suddenly I can't look at her without crying. All I see is who she was, who she could have been, who she should be now, living her life, not lying on that fucking bed in that fucking care home, no matter how lovely they all are there. She's mostly asleep now. Well, that may not be true as I've not been there much, but she seems to be asleep a lot. My baby. She'll be 41 in a few weeks. I want to just ignore it - not have some fucking celebration where I can't even tell if she knows what's happening, never mind whether she's enjoying it.

So that's been the bedrock of my week, and it's been freakishly, climate change-y hot, record breaking across northern Europe, which seemed to be talked about in the media with the same excitement as a new 100m  record, rather than the end of fucking days. It seemed endless but it was only a few days in the end - we aren't set up for heat here, and many of us don't fucking want to be. We do have a fan, but it's massive and even on its lowest setting makes it too cold at night, too windy, too noisy.

There were some good things

1. I went to a glass-fusion workshop, which my friend M had bought us both for Christmas, and which we forgot about for a long time, then suddenly remembered and went. It was HARD - it's basically making a sandwich of colours between two clear glass tiles, then putting bits of powder on top but you had to concentrate on putting all these tiny bits into the right places. The teacher was grumpy, verging on rude and we pissed each other off. I am not a perfectionist (apart from on bibliographies of papers, which I haven't done for fucking years, but I'm not having any mistakes there) and I don't want to be one. I didn't need it to be exact, that's not my style, or within my capability and I was the client so after a few times, she should have accepted it and left me alone as I was concentrating to the point of exhaustion to do it as badly. This was how I left it - it needs firing, which will turn the copper leaf blue for skyand the powdery bits will do something. I was shattered but managed to drag myself down the road with M to a hipster-ish kind of a bar - it calls itself a lounge, where we had dinner and it was fab - she's such a good woman, such a good friend. I told her when I get my pension I will pay for everything for at least a year, but she told me to fuck off, that she's really glad I don't get all pissy about only doing things with her where I can pay my way, as she has loads of money and likes us eating meals in half decent places. So that's good.


2. My sister has moved her horses again and today I went up to the new place on the downs and mooched about with Shirley while they moved the electric fences to put the horses onto a different section of the field for reasons which escaped me. This was my best photo


3. I only made it to one of my art groups but could not begin to think about doing a proper painting so just drew and coloured in a picture of my stuff on the table: I was pleased with the sun visor.

Night night

1:15 a.m. - 29.07.19

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