annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Daytime
I'm writing in the daytime again as I keep being too tired at night. It's odd though, doesn't feel 'safe' in the same way with people about - him in the room next door, cars going past. I like late nights when the world has gone to bed and there's just me and a few flickering lights.
Anyway, on we go, on we go. I had a bad few days after the MS nurse - I was amazed when I read back what I'd written at the matter of fact tone - I was sobbing all through writing it, but you wouldn't know. Anyway, I did a lot of sobbing and weeping and all that and just let it be, because fuck it, that's my girl. On Friday I was too broken to see her and on Saturday she slept all day, scaring the shit out of me, and yesterday was Grandson (my grandson, her son)'s 20th birthday so those days were made worse by the awfulness of her not being able to participate in any sense. She loved that boy SO MUCH, she adored him and was so proud and it is literally UNBEARABLE that she didn't know it was his birthday, that he had to have it without her, all that kind of shit.
But, as you may know, Grandson lives with his aunt, my Younger Daughter, and she invited me round to join in the birthday breakfast fry-up and of course, he's a lad, a bloke, he's got all his feelings about his mum buried deep down and we had a good time, though YD and I did have a couple of little cries while he was in the other room.
Then I took Shirley to the beach, but didn't get very far as I am still mega-knackered. This bit of graf cheered me up:
especially as I had a call from the care home saying, "She's awake! She wants to go out!" and they agreed I could take a worker with me for a couple of hours to do the pushing of the chair. So we did, and it was lush:
It's quite a big nature reserve, with lots of wild planting, off the beaten track a bit, so out of the sound of traffic (which is not easy in the south-east), but masses of birdsong - just masses. The bit with the wheelchair accessible path is quite a small section, but it went round by the water (dragonflies!) and it was all practically perfect in every way. ED was alert and listening - not all the time, but at least some. We walked a bit, sat down a bit, walked some more, sat down some more and it was healing and soothing and nourishing to the hardened heart of this old woman.
And now I'm off to have some acupuncture
I am grateful for: having a date to meet up with N, the old care home manager who me and ED loved; doing all the things on my to-do list; acupuncture coming up; feeling my energy returning at last - I think I will manage Glastonbury; Christine and the Queens oh yeah
Have a good day, y'all. xxx
2:35 p.m. - 03.06.19
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