annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



I'd like to report a week full of joy and success and I'm sure there were some of each which I will interrupt my moaning to report, but meanwhile...

On Monday I got an email saying our appeal against the funding decision for ED had been rejected.  This is clearly bollocks, as she has been funded for five years and her health has worsened not improved over that period. The only time funding can be removed is if health improves, but the fuckers didn't answer that point, just found nit-picking, irrelevant details and said that's it, job done. So this has sat on my head all week, crushing the shit out of me, telling me that my daughter has no primary health care needs, you fucking fuckers - what world is this we are living in? I never knew I was proud of the UK until the thing I was proud of - the safety net - was destroyed.

Sister-in-law was livid and immediately back on the case, fighting her way through legal documents, national frameworks, test cases and god knows what else. All stuff that does my head in - great long sentences full of clauses and sub-clauses that I can no longer keep in mind. It feels like a juggling act, to hold all these variables in mind while moving slowly towards the point the sentence is making. I end up feeling confused and mortified as well as heart-broken. I think my heart is actually broken. My kindness and concern for others has shattered into tiny pieces that are no use to anyone.

Anyway, we met this morning, me and SIL, to draft a response, which ended up being quite short, basically asking them to explain their reasoning behind removing eligible status from ED, but it took four hours of sifting through various points, total brain ache, lots of tears, exhaustion all round. She emailed it to me as an attachment and now I can't find how to save the attachment, but I expect that may be clearer tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

Being off the yoga, walking, dancing, blah blah blah has been fucking terrible. All I'm doing is manufacturing and storing up FURY and LOATHING of Bloke and living with him and depending on him. I can't see a way out though I refuse to believe there isn't one.

I watched all six episodes of Ricky Gervais's After Life, available on Netflix if you fancy it. I hadn't watched it before as I really don't like him. He's clever and funny but also smug and cruel and can basically fuck off. But SIL recommended it - she hadn't watched it either for the same reasons as me until a friend of hers, recently widowed, said it was fantastic and it is. But shocking and hard. He's the main character, his wife died a few months ago and he's fucking angry. As a person who (as I have said before) feels like I've pitched my tent in the shadow of the valley of fucking death, there's massive comfort in spending some time in a place where death is the focus. I also listen to Griefcast, a podcast where a comedian who hasn't really come to terms with the death of her father interviews other comedians about losses and grief they live with, which is also funny as well as sad and true and comforting. Not all the time - I'm not obsessed - but dipping in and out and really soothed by it.  Anyway, Gervais's character behaves atrociously in After Life and I recognised myself in him, for fuck's sake. Awful. That is just how I feel and sometimes behave and it is loathsome. I do kind of recommend it - not to rush out and hunt down, but if you find yourself with an idle hour... He is really clever and very funny but also true and sad, so sad.

The good thing this week has been the petition against leaving the EU. Fuck me - 3 million, heading for 4 million signatures, which is massive for the UK. It's on the govt's own site where they say they will 'respond' to petitions that get 10,000 signatures and debate any that get 100,000. I don't know if it will make any difference because they are a  right shower of cunts, but it has been quite thrilling watching the numbers fly round. It was gaining 100s a minute for most of yesterday and today.



I did framing today for the Artists' Open House:

[gallery ids="170124,170123" type="rectangular"]


I am grateful for: friends, online and IRL; fish pie for tea; Son coming down tomorrow; bed now


1:19 a.m. - 23.03.19


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