annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dream ED spoke to me in my dream last night. It was all weird and dreamland - I'd parked in the sun and needed to move the vehicle to the shade and when I didn’t know which way to go I started to panic until she told me, “It’s that way, Mum, down there.” And in the morning when I remembered it, it was her voice and it was rich with gentle, non-judgemental, loving helpfulness, for her poor old Ma who gets very agitated sometimes, and that’s how she was and I feel the loss of that so much. Later in the dream (we were at yoga apparently though it was more like a crowd of people hanging about), she got up out of her wheelchair and washed her hands. I kept saying to people, “Did you see that? She got up and washed her hands!” but none of them were impressed or even interested. It’s a new depth of pleasure and pain, to hear her voice and spend time with her like that was a gift but then the loss cuts deeper. Today as we mooched round town, I couldn’t shake off the memory of the dream. As we came back to the care home I stopped and came round to the front of the chair so we could see each other and told her about it, told her how wonderful it had been to hear her voice. She looked at me intently, engaged but as unreadable as ever. I said, “It’s fucking shit, all this, isn’t it?” and told her I love her, gave her a kiss and a lop-sided hug and on we went. I’m writing this in bed on my phone as I suddenly thought I want it set down right, how it was. 1:39 a.m. - 28.01.19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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