annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


New Year's Day

2018 was full of shite really, wasn't it? The answer to that question is probably no, it was the usual mixture of good and bad, which is why it's a good thing to sit and write, to pin words down on paper rather than leaving them to rattle unchallenged around your brain.

In 2017 my daughter nearly died, in 2018 my brother did die, so I'm scared for this year. That will pass though - it's all the looking back and forward that everyone does as the year turns - it seems inescapable but will all fizzle out pretty soon. Shit happens all the time and what will be will be, there's no denying that.

Today is my brother's birthday. It would usually be marked by me swearing about having forgotten again, to get him a present while I was buying Christmas presents. I didn't always forget. I didn't think that last year would be his last one. I can't begin to articulate how I feel about his death - a mass of jumbled up intensity and confusion.

Good things happened too, and I achieved things that I somehow lose track of when all I can see is the big space where Andrew used to be. so:

  • I walked 1,232 miles, which is a little bit more than last year, and pretty good as it includes a very long hot summer, which made walking hard, plus several weeks of leg injury

  • I did the fundraising midnight walk for the hospice and raised over £1000, which again is pretty good. I didn't actually finish the walk, but I didn't let that stop me harassing people into giving me just a fiver, go on, make it a tenner, cheers mate.

  • I started up two writing groups, one at each of the recovery centres, and didn't miss a single one - 100% attendance - Ms Bloody Reliable, that's me. They both have a small but loyal following and a few irregular returners, so are considered successes. I'm on my way to setting up a few more which I'll be paid for. The manager of one of the centres has agreed to pay me from now on too.

  • I found a writing mentor who is helping me find the story in my old blog entries, though to be honest I haven't been doing my part of this for a while, but I did today - read back through old entries trying to decide where to start. I want to do at least a bit every day to keep my head in and by the end of the year I want to have a first draft of a book that I can send out. When I read stuff from 2007 that I haven't looked at since, I am surprised at how good it seems. Also depressed at how upbeat I was then, compared to now, before ED's MS got bad.

  • I've visited ED several times every week, often four or five times, and have taken her out loads, including to shows of all kinds. Rocky Horror Show last week, fucking awesome, much better than I feared.

  • I've walked the dog several times every day and she is a poppet, a dear little soul, which also reflects well on me I think. I just lost fifteen minutes there trying to upload a video of her running like the clappers across the downs but it wouldn't let me - I'm sure I've posted videos of my own before.

  • Also sold quite a lot of paintings and some sea glass jewellery

  • Yoga twice a week, mostly

  • Dancing at least once a month

  • art groups twice a week

  • meditation often, though I have lost my regular habit - will try to revive that

  • My photography has come on - I'm quite good now, though alas not at all modest

There's been loads of stuff I didn't do - I haven't cleaned my bedroom since my brother died in March - I almost did once but didn't finish it - and this desk is buried under mountains of shit. I haven't left Bloke. My finances are mega-fucked. My blogging has dwindled. Personal hygiene is pretty shit. Haven't been to a hairdresser for over two years

Going to bed now. Happy new year.


1:21 a.m. - 02.01.19


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