annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Saturday, Saturday
I almost cleared the car out this morning but didn't as I got obsessed with sending some stones with holes in to my friend up North and couldn't find her address and blah blah blah - I made a right meal of it, finally rushing off to just catch the post. It's almost Son's birthday so we all went to have lunch in the city, but not all of us as ED didn't come, of course she didn't - she doesn't eat any more as she can't swallow, she has a fucking feeding tube, and even if she did eat, or even if she could chat and wanted to join us, none of the restaurants I can think of are wheelchair accessible anyway.
At the time I was unable to articulate even to myself that this was the cause of my distress, so I focused on hating Bloke and being resentful that I can't leave him as I have no income now - all going into the overdraft charges - still not able to respond like a sensible person and cut my spending - losing it all round really.
We had quite an all right meal, but I couldn't hear what anyone else was saying and I felt really sad and depressed and didn't want to be feeling like that, but I did, so it was a bit crap. I couldn't get back in that car with Bloke, sat so close to him is beyond me, so I made an excuse about getting some tickets to take ED to the Rocky Horror Show [out of her account then I go free as her personal carer], which I could have done on Monday, and said I'd come back on the train.
It was raining and I had my stupid furry fleecy coat on, which is warm but not waterproof, and my Uggs, which just absorb water even when they don't have two sodding great holes in the front. When I got to the station I discovered it was match day and I had two attempts, good solid attempts to be on a train standing up in a crowd of people, mostly male, many drunk, some of whom were pressed against me. My heart beat faster and faster until I screamed and forced my way off the first one, had a big awful wobbler on the station then braced myself ready for the next train as the station seemed quieter. But that was only a temporary lull, as the next train came in from near the football ground and another vast horde boarded the train I was on so there was no air to breathe, so space to gather a thought in so off I fled again and now my choices were limited as that had been my last fiver spent on a ticket, so walk ten miles in the pissing rain with my stupid coat and stupider shoes or phone Bloke which I did and he loves all that, he loves being needed and asked to do physical practical things so he came and fetched me.
Today is Monday, this was yesterday:
All I can feel at the moment is the loss of my daughter. Her loss of the ability to walk and talk and talk some more and chip in with her opinion on every subject under the sun and laugh and be part of everything and probably talk some more. I miss her more than I can say. Sometimes I miss her so much I can't get myself to the care home to sit with her for fear I will shake her broken body and yell at her to pack it in, to come back to us, to stop lying there and bloody say something. I wouldn't do that, of course, I'd just cry and cry another fucking river of tears that does no good, doesn't help or heal or make anything better at all, but still comes pouring out. It's always worse at this time of year, all the festive shite everywhere - I could bear if for a bit, probably, possibly, but there's been months of it already and nowhere to hide.
But here we are on Monday now and it's a no-money Monday, bank drawing down the shutters saying that's it kid, you're over. I have £30 in cash from selling some pendants and here are some more but I think I have done all I can with them - the shop has all it needs till end of Dec which is bollocks as that's the Christmas market gone
I'm going now. Younger Daughter and Grandson are having to go to a food bank tomorrow as their Universal Credit won't come in till fuck knows when - he keeps only being given two shifts a week at work, she's doing cleaning but that's all going on the rent. They had no money to put the gas on to cook and have heating so I bunged them some but now I have none either. What a time to be alive
11:40 a.m. - 26.11.18
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