annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Ranting, wouldn't bother if I were you

I almost wish I hadn't used the metaphor of a seesaw in my last post - I feel as if "Life" or "Fate" or something was listening and thought, huh, you call that a seesaw? Watch what else I've got for you:

Little Bobcat got badly beaten up by a neighbouring cat and almost died - she's 19 and she fell right into a giving up place where she wouldn't drink, let alone eat, and it was Sunday and the vet was closed and she was very peaceful with no sign of pain, just drifting down, so we got our heads around it a bit, but she's perked right up now and is back to picking fights with Shirley. Good but yikes.

I picked my car up from the garage and they'd found what was wrong and mended it so all was well, and I drove over to see my pal J, quite a way, and also met IRL one of the beachcleaning women that I 'know' from Instagram, who lives in the same town as J, which was very cool and on the way back my car just fucking died, going uphill on a busy bit of dual carriageway during the rush hour, and I had to stay with it, with nowhere to sit away from the traffic which was so noisy and made such terrible fumes and then I just had to have a wee, I could not wait any longer so had to squat down between the doors with my arse hanging below, pissing a river, hoping no one I knew was in one of the gazillion cars going past, keeping my eyes focused on my feet and nothing else.

Then the guy from a garage came - yay for breakdown cover - and said it was dead and would have to be towed back to the garage who'd mended it the other day, with a rigid towbar and I had to sit in it and steer and indicate and I didn't like it - I was scared as shit all the way. Man. I had to have a pause then from getting agitated again just thinking about it. I knew nothing bad would happen - it was safe, but it made my anxiety explode all over the place which was awful and I'd had such a great day up till then.

It's the head gasket, I discover today, £600 to replace it - they have to take the engine out - is it worth it? It's not my money as I don't have any and Bloke just sighed and said we'll have to get it done, much cheaper than buying another car and it has been pretty good, sweet as a nut, I think is the expression in the motor trade, which I was married into for a short, terrible time. But there I am indebted to Bloke again, but with no money of my own and no chance of making any living here without transport.

So. Today I go off to do the mentoring and the girl doesn't turn up again, second time in a row, after I've been dropped off and will have to catch the train home, so they call her (I'm not allowed any personal contact details - we just communicate through the charity's email system) and I speak and she says blah blah - not much of a reason - so I ask has she had enough of the mentoring, is it not working for her? She says it is, but blah blah so I suggest we communicate by email and she perks right up at that, which is a bit of a shame to be honest, but I am not walking away from her, she's going to have to fuck me off to get rid of me. But that was a big chunk in the middle of the day spent doing nothing purposeful, again, and a bit of a pisser.

I catch the train back and Bloke meets me and when we get home there's a letter from the DWP saying ED can have those mobility benefits they'd previously said she wasn't entitled to, so she can use them to get a new wheelchair accessible van, for fuck's sake, I'd totally given up on that, forgotten about it even, so this was a real woo hoo, yay, hooray sort of thing, fantastic.

I borrowed Bloke's car to take Shirley for a walk on the beach and on the way I had a phone call - I pulled over, don't worry - number withheld so thought it might be a school offering me work but it wasn't, it was from the people who have now "won" the contract for doing the annual review of funding for people who live in care homes and ED's review is going to be on Monday week, which is scary, really scary as they are making terrible decisions, so I crashed back down again and it's all too much.

This is a big pile of ranting rubbish but I needed to get it out of my head and down on the page/screen and now I have and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I need to get to yoga, due East on the train, and to visit ED, due West, the other side of where I live. So could I get a return ticket from ED's hometown to yoga town, but start and end in the middle, where I live? Probably not.

I am grateful for: ED getting a van - if we can resolve the parking issue - don't ask; I bought tickets to take her to a production of Romeo and Juliet in the autumn; the beach was fab, we walked a long way then I popped Shirley back in the car (with all the windows wide open and a bowl of water and it was gone 6) and had a quick swim, lovely, lovely, lovely; the world cup is almost over; bed before midnight.



11:47 p.m. - 11.07.18


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