annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



Today has been really awful, worst day for ages, despite nothing that bad actually happening and in fact a few good things going on.

It's been my head, all fucked up, seemingly on its own, without ref to outside factors, although as I write that I realise I'm probably more anxious about this eye hospital appointment tomorrow than I may have noticed.

I went to dancing, the last one of the summer as the teacher is taking a long break, and I had to leave because the music was too loud, too oppressive - it felt like torture, physical, unbearable. Same music as always - not identical, but same kind of music, same volume. That I usually love and find liberating and blissful. I cried and cried, great big sobbing shit, but didn't feel any better.

I tell you though, one thing did piss me off today, depressed me more than I can say. I went to visit a friend, a person I have known for decades, since we were teenagers. She's long been a difficult kind of woman, but I don't hold that against her too much - I'm probably difficult myself, what with being mental and self-righteous and all. I know she was raped when we were young, when she was a virgin, though we didn't name it rape then - she thought she was responsible and I guess I did too -  for going to his house when his parents were out, for wearing shorts, for drinking with him, kissing - we agreed that he was a git for not stopping when she made it clear she didn't want to have sex, horrible, but we didn't think it was rape. I don't know for sure if that was when she started getting closed up, harder, less sympathetic, but she's like that now. I mention all this because today she was talking about an underage girl who'd been caught in a sexual act that she (the girl) said had been non-consensual, but which my friend dismissed absolutely as an excuse after she'd been caught. She brought up the case of a young man we both know, who was accused of raping an underage girl, and she totally dismissed that as well - he wouldn't do that, he's a good lad so she must be a liar. The common point was believing the men, assuming the girls were lying and it broke my heart. We haven't mentioned what happened back in the 1970s since spotting the guy in a crowd once - I have to say I was probably not much use as a support back then - and I didn't have what was needed to bring it up today, in this context and it just made me feel very sad, for her and for the girl today and the other one and all the other ones who aren't believed, and it made me realise all over again that we often don't know why we think the way we do, that factors we don't even recognise may inform our opinions and twist them out of any kind of decent shape. I mean, I know she might have been right, but she wasn't prepared to consider that either of the girls might have been forced, as she was, and that there are consequences, long term consequences.

So I left hers early and wandered around while waiting for my car and had a coffee in a new place that's opened with seats outside, and yet again, when I asked for a double espresso with a little hot milk, they bought me a tiny cup, filled to the brim (with two shots of espresso) and a little jog of hot milk on the side. What do you think I'm going to do with that milk, you fucking fuckers???? Oh man, this happens so often. No wonder I'm mental.

This evening I lost it big time. I went for a walk with the dog and immersed myself in nature which did make me feel OK while it was happening, but then I came home and it all crashed in on me - not even my friend and all that, just mentalness and exhaustion at having to fight so hard to not be mental, having to fight myself. It's almost twenty years since the calamitous break down and I've never let myself get that bad again, but it's pulling me towards it, to the edge and I am so tired, so fucking tired of making such a big effort to not be completely broken and dysfunctional and I don't know how long I can keep it up. Well, I can't and don't but I grab it back again after short outbreaks of losing it. And no, there's no help.

And I haven't had any dinner and only a tiny thin sandwich for lunch and that probably doesn't help, does it?

11:23 p.m. - 04.07.18


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