annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Sulky, could do better

I meant to write a decent entry tonight but got proper distracted reading old posts from when I was teaching. Was that really me? Amazeballs is what I say to that, fucking amazeballs.

So the party took place but I didn't manage to get into the swing of it at all. I think it was about ED and my bro. With ED it's terrible if she's not there, like she wasn't for GS's birthday a few weeks ago - there's a big space in the vibe where she should be - but it's also awful when she is there, sat in her wheelchair, unmoving and silent, eyes unfocused, awful, terrible, unbearable. And no one speaks to her which makes me HATE them all - this is only family - Sis and her lot, the cousins - but I can't say anything because what? I guilt-trip them into speaking to her? That's shite as well, isn't it? Who wants that? And they just don't know what to do and then some of them edge towards her and awkwardly kiss her and I feel like a cunt for being so angry when they've come to my birthday, bringing homemade food and cards and plates and I've done fuck all except sit fiercely guarding ED, glowering at everyone, not even getting them drinks, just telling them to help themselves. It was grey skies and wild winds so a lot of them stayed indoors but I sat outside, huddled up next to ED, behaving like a git.

Then, a bit later, just as ED was going and Sis and all of hers, my Sis-in-law and our mutual friend C arrived with a bottle of Prosecco and SIL cuddled ED before she left, and we all got a bit drunk and sat round a bonfire in the garden speaking too loudly till almost midnight, which is pretty good going for me.  Welsh M arrived at some point and it was all just grand. C suggested clearing up the party debris and suddenly they all swept into action. I will admit, quietly, *whispers*, that I have had fantasies about us four women setting up house together. SIL is now a widow, and the rest of us have awful bloody relationships. M is in the process of getting her bloke out by force of law and selling her house. C is another whole saga of woe, last chance saloon etc. I had a little secret smile about how we just slid into working together... Though they are all financially secure and I am most definitely not, so I'm not a good prospect, even when I'm not a miserable old fuck.

And Bloke forgot it was my birthday. Despite the party. He remembered that, but not what it was for. So when I woke up, no card, no present, no 'happy birthday'. When we were discussing food for the party he only suggested things that I can't eat with my loose false teeth, things like lamb and baguettes. I feel certain he's being passive-aggressive but he puts on a good show of genuine forgetfulness and suitable regret, but really? We've been best pals since we were 19, which was 1973. and now he can't remember my birthday? Or is it the start of something awful?

Today was OK, I went round art places; met a nice woman who does stuff with sea glass; went to see photographs by the sister of my friend who moved to Vegas and never came back; took all the food we couldn't eat round to the care home; saw my girl, who was knackered; kept my head down, that kind of thing. Flying solo. Lone wolf. Etc.

Grateful for: people still speaking to me when I behave like such a dick; leftover banoffee pie which I haven't had for ages - yum; ED showing (by blinking in response to questions), that she had enjoyed being round mine in the thick of the family with all the usual tensions - real life, innit; finding all these old posts about being a teacher; dog and cat asleep next to each other on the sofa for hours8802E553-3660-451A-8A91-D85C2D3CB8D8


Sleep tight, dear friends, waving to Edelweiss in Norway, thank you for still reading, hope you are well  xxx


12:46 a.m. - 18.06.18


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