annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



  1. The dog is driving me fucking mental. She chases the cat so I chuck her out of the front room, into the hall/kitchen, but from there she can hear next door's barky dog and starts barking herself so I bring her back in here and she starts harassing the cat again. We had the introduction to the dog school training classes today, just people, no dogs, for the theory and all the chat. They said it's reward based, about helping your dog make the right choices or some such guff that sounded all right at the time, but then I took her to the beach where she found a dead fish and made her fucking choice, quite clearly. No amount of good girl, leave it, or offers of a manky bit of chew were going to separate her from that stinky fish. fish Bastard. I was reluctant to try and grab it and it took me ages to jerk her away from it when she put it down for a second. The seagulls were in dead quick, polishing off the remains. She's barking again now. It's 12.30 am, and I don't know how to make her stop.

  2. Grandson's birthday today - generating very mixed feelings for me as ED, his mother, wasn't included in any of the festivities. I can understand that it's all too hard for him, and I don't even know if she knows or feels anything about any of it any more, but it breaks my heart all over again. I keep my gob shut as what's the point in generating guilt about it all, or just pissing them off (all of them - none of them visit her any more, fuckers), so we had quite a nice lunch, but...

  3. I've been reading back through my blog, early posts and that's been a bit of a downer too. Man, I had some energy and some fire, once long ago. It's ridiculous to expect much of myself at the moment, I know (in theory at least), but I have had enough of all this sadness and grief, really enough. It's gone from one to another for years now, until it's becoming who I am, this tired, gloomy, grieving person. I can perk up when in company, but I'm mostly on my own, or with that fucking dog and then I fall back down the hole. Son and I bumped into each other unexpectedly the other week, and he later said he'd been shocked at the expression on my face before I'd seen him. (I am half-sick of shadows.)

  4. Patti Smith tomorrow, which I'm anxious about. It's an all day open air gig in a London park, so we're going on the train. 'We' being me, my bereaved sister-in-law, a mutual friend and another woman I haven't met. So that's one thing, being with people all day. Then the organisers have all these fucking rules. No seats allowed into the park, no umbrellas, no parasols, no food, no drinks other than unopened bottles of water. For fuck's sake. There will be stalls with food etc, but we were going to take a picnic and it just pisses me off that the profits of stallholders get put before the needs of the audience. It will probably, almost certainly, be great, but I'm anxious.

  5.   I got some silver wire and some tools and started wrapping the sea glass. It needs practice, though I do like how these look - they have my slapdash, bish bash bosh look about themIMG_7396 But I'm going to get some cheaper wire to practice on and then try and make earrings and pendants good enough to sell.

Today I am grateful for: Grandson being OK, after all he's lived through, quite cheery; having a family do for his birthday - him wanting it and everyone else being up for it; a beach to walk on and moan about; the dog finally being asleep on the floor; Patti Smith tomorrow, yay!


Sleep tight, dear reading peeps. Hope you are all well xx

1:10 a.m. - 04.06.18


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