annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Tuesday

1. Weary. Feeling small. That kind of thing. Stuff going well, but not translating into feeling good, not in any way.


2. This anniversary business is hitting me harder than I would have thought. (A year ago ED was in a hospice for end of life care, though she came through and is still alive.) Partly, perhaps, it's about the way it goes on, how it went on back then.There was a post on facebook's 'on this day' where last year I'd written "Day 11 in the hospice." Day 11?? How the fuck did any of us do that? We had another ten to go, I think. Three weeks all together. Then back to the care home, with the warning to keep our expectation low, then, as predicted, another massive infection, no treatment and she came through that one as well. Maybe this current wave of despair is because although alive, she's much, much lower than she was before all this kidney-related illness and we don't know how much time there will be before we go through all this again, probably right to the end.


3. Eastenders isn't helping. Bonnie Langford, acting her fucking socks off as a bereaved mother, articulating my inner life in all its agony, then a quick change of scene to the Queen Vic, or the Slater household for a bit of comic relief. Whereas I'm still here, burning with resentment and hating everyone. (not you, obvs, just all the other bastards).


4. When I wrote about the thunderstorm on the downs yesterday I don't think I mentioned how frozen with terror I was at the thought of falling, slipping in the mud, on the side of a hill, miles from the road, twisting my ankle or something and needing to be got back and being so heavy that no one could manage me without a big crane or whatever they use when fat fucks can't walk on the side of hills.


5. But today I made it to the care home, with a bit of a spring in my step (don't know where that is now) and took my silent girl for a go round the new park I only recently discovered right there, just behind the home. It's not the greatest park you ever saw but it has a van selling good coffee and a hard path all round the edge with trees planted on both sides, which makes a green canopy, a tunnel of fresh loveliness at this time of year and a different experience for a partially sighted person, so all good.


6. Fucking Roseanne, honestly. What's the matter with these people? Like Ken Livingstone  - both of them used to be good guys, on the right side of the argument and now look at them, talking vile shite as if we all agree with them when we fucking don't. I cannot begin to tell you how disappointed I feel.

12:23 a.m. - 30.05.18

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