annanotbob2's Diaryland
Diary
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- It's been bad. Crashed. Something about the anniversary of ED being in the hospice has set me off - not sure why, considering she survived, but I've been overwhelmed. Of course, I still 'keep going', doing my shit, as the alternative, being home with Bloke, is beyond contemplation.
- It's been Mental Health Awareness Week - maybe just here in the UK, not sure - and several of my pals from the various recovery centres have posted brutally honest accounts of their struggles and I did too, yesterday. About ED. I couldn't get myself out of bed. I sort of wish I hadn't, but I did. There were quite a few kind and generous responses, but nothing changes - I just exposed myself. Ah well, it's done.
- Then yesterday evening I took ED to a gig, Heather Small, of M People fame. It was just along from the care home so we walked, me with ED and one of the care workers (J) with another resident (T). I was so fucked up, but after being in a state all day about my daughter, I couldn't let her down and not take her, so I fetched up, all puffy eyed and twitchy and off we went. I have no fucking idea whether she wanted to go or if she enjoyed it - I think she did, I hope she did, but truth is I don't know and I fear she didn't and I'm dragging her knackered arse around the place when she'd rather be in bed. I danced, J danced, T shrieked with laughter but the music was loud so that was fine. ED sat in her chair. I cried all through 'Search for the Hero' (inside yourself) and then told ED that that's what we do, isn't it? Search for the hero we hide. Meh.
- When I came home I left an email with Cruse, the bereavement support people, asking for help and I had a phone call today. There's a four to six week waiting list, but then I can have some free, bereavement focused counselling. Good. I need it.
- And I've initiated a birthday party for when I'm 64, in four weeks time. Madness - I'll be getting my knickers in a twist about that no doubt, but again, too late now. Invitations have been issued. Mainly family, but still.
I am grateful for: mooching round the city on my own this afternoon, the festival is still on and it's buzzing; long walk across a new bit of the downs with Shirley, lovely; YD saying she'd give the house a clean before the party, yay; getting new flip-flops, men's ones as all the ones aimed at women were flimsy as fuck; bed now Sleep tight, hope you are all well xxx
12:23 a.m. - 22.05.18
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