annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Not just about teeth

1. While looking for a photo of my miniature water lily in flower, I found some pics of my elder daughter taken two years ago. At the time I thought she looked terrible, slumped in her chair, a shadow of her former energetic self. But fuck, the difference between then and now shocked the shit out of me. Her body may have been slumped but her face was alive, compared to how slack it is now. I've had a complete wobbler about it, with no one to properly talk to about it as no one else is prepared to engage with anything to do with ED. It's just too hard. In the end I remembered the care home staff and phoned the manager and wept down the phone about it to her. She got it. It has been a bad year between those photos and now. I feel as though I've been all caught up elsewhere and have taken my eye off the important person, my girl.


2. Also, to be honest, I know I am flaky as fuck at the moment. I'm having a lot of what I know to be dodgy thoughts - there's a word for them which I forget right now. When I think people hate me, or don't want to speak to me, that I am a fool - those kind of things. I am doing the right thing - making myself consider the evidence for and evidence against, and formulating a better interpretation of events, but man, it is exhausting and it's being exhausted that makes me have these kind of thoughts. Keeping myself more or less steady takes so much fucking effort that sometimes I think it'd be easier to let myself slide into full on insanity. But I did that before and we won't recover from a second bout of that. Fuck this shit though, just fuck this shit.


3. Went back to the dentist for a check up on healing, plate etc and all well. She says I'm to take it out at night now, but it feels so disgusting I don't know if I can. Where's my tongue meant to go, with no teeth to rest against?


4. I sold a painting already, before the open house even opened. Woo hoo. This one for £15. I don't actually like it at all - it's a half-arsed go at Van Gogh, but there you go, someone liked it and as it's gone before we opened I'm allowed another one to go in the browser.


5. I'm listening to the playlist my nephews put together for my brother's after-funeral gathering, of as many of his favourite tracks as we could remember. Heartbreaking, but kind of cheering realising how many of these acts we saw live together - or if not exactly together, as part of the same mob of people.

Night night. Happy Wednesday xx

11:18 p.m. - 24.04.18

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