annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Monday feels like Sunday

1. I've been writing my tribute to my brother, for his funeral. Terrible. So much of the past is one big blur - I've been struggling to find any kind of anecdote as everything seems to have merged together. Write things down, people, especially about your siblings, those people we take for granted, who get on our nerves, but who we love with a love as big as big can be.


2. My leg - still manky. Oozing through the dressing again but I couldn't manage to get myself to any of the few places that would deal with it, and I'm not taking the dressing off myself. Have an appointment tomorrow afternoon and that will have to do. It occurs to me that I did this on the day my brother died. The pain in my legs that I had been suffering, really awful pains in the joints that forced me to stop and rest frequently, especially going uphill or pushing the wheelchair, stopped dead when he died, as if they had been psychosomatic expressions of my anxiety about how his Motor Neurone Disease would play out, how much he would suffer and for how long. His wife said that the end of the pain was his gift to me - but as I went straight out and damaged my leg, maybe I'm not ready to accept that gift. It's not a good exchange - or maybe it is - an end to both our suffering, tho mine was obviously trivial by comparison, it didn't seem like it at the time, especially when I could hardly get anywhere with Daughter in her chair.


3. This last week has been a bad one for self care as I didn't make it to yoga and there was no Friday art. No yoga today, so I am aiming for Tuesday art tomorrow. I have taken meditation up again - I haven't got into a proper rhythm with that at all since I got Shirley and my morning routine went out the window. But there's no reason not to do it now and I know that it's soothing and calming - not in the moment of doing it, but over time.


4. I notice that I don't give a fuck about the garden. I've been keen on making a beautiful place outdoors since about 1980 but this year the time to prepare, make plans, to get seeds planted is here and I don't care. I cannot for the life of me be arsed.


5. That's all I've got. I know there's something else but it's stuck just out of reach. It'll come to me when the laptop's turned off and I'm halfway up the stairs.

Night night

12:22 a.m. - 03.04.18

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