annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



  1. The district nurse came to see my brother and said she thought the chest infection was 'winning' and would take him. It was mental round his house today - they'd had a wood-burning stove put in and the builder was there, making good, with crates of shit everywhere, Sis-in-law's old uni mate had come to stay, both of my nephews were there and the dog (theirs not mine) was in a state of heightened anxiety - he's a rescue dog - that infected all the rest of us. Including my brother who suddenly got out of bed, went outside and tried to get into his car, wearing nothing but boxers and a short dressing gown. Oh man.

  2. The consensus of the medics is that I am feeling all the weird leg pain because I am holding all this emotion in, and keeping on functioning instead of "allowing myself to fully feel the grief". But I'm not always functioning, as you know, dear readers, I am the World's Worst Weeper, sobbing away as if my tears could repopulate the planet or something.  Also, I haven't seen my ED since Sunday and I don't like it.

  3. I fetched up at the Tuesday Recovery Centre for art, only to find the teacher is off for two weeks of her annual leave. The room was open and I could have set myself up, and in fact did make a start but the only other person in there was a woman I didn't know who kept going on about her bereavement - her next door neighbour had died last week. She mentioned the words bereaved and bereavement about ten times in the five minutes I was there and I had to leave or I was going to say something - I was full of my brother and fuck, to mention him would have been like playing top trumps or something and I wasn't going to do that but couldn't sit on it and listen to her so I gave up and went down the beachseadefence This new beach I go to, the other side of the harbour, changes so much after every tide.  Sometimes I can step over this breakwater, but today the top was about four foot above the ground on this side and just a few inches the other. I couldn't get over, so went back.

  4. Had a session with my new key worker, which turned out to be my last - that's the funding - four sessions. She squeezed six out of them due to my appalling circs, but that's it till I have a 'crisis', by which they mean - well, we know what they mean. They're shit at communications at this place - I had no idea the sessions were this limited in number or that the art teacher was on holiday. I'd have gone to visit ED if I'd known.

  5. A box of chocolates came in the post from Son for Mother's Day and I ate the lot and now I feel sick. I hate the way they do the boxes now - that plastic infill is massive so it looks like two layers with loads on each but in fact it's twelve chocolates all together. Too much of that kind of crap. I'm also pissed off that I can't find the English setting on Words with Friends (aka online scrabble) as the US dictionary is doing my head in. I've played in USian for six months and now it's my turn. *cries like a baby*

I am grateful for: a beach to walk on; the sea glass obsession being a good distraction when I'm needing it most; living just a few miles from my brother so I can call in rather than have to 'visit' - we're building up to calling the other brother who is very difficult - none of us can contemplate having him staying in our house while this is going on, but he needs to be able to come and he lives in France so will have to stay somewhere;  I'm getting a van for ED - will write about that another time - it's not here yet, but all going through; sunshine today

Sleep tight xx

12:18 a.m. - 14.03.18


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